I'm Betting the House on Mirapex

It's been awhile since I've posted, so naturally there's a few different topics to cover. That's right, folks...you're getting 3 blog posts for the price of 1!

First of all, an update to my earlier post about Eatzi's:

Yes, that's right...good ol' Uncle Eatzi finally broke down and sent me another $20! As usual, the timing of the arrival of the gift certificate was impeccable. This past Thursday night, my lovely girlfriend and I were trying to decide what we wanted to eat. Nothing stood out for either one of us, and we starting thinking maybe we should just go somewhere with a wide variety of options so we could just see what caught our eye. After a bit of discussion, she suggested that we just finally break down and go to Eatzi's, that no more gift certificates would arrive and that we should just give in and actually pay for the food there.

I urged her to hold out, knowing that if you are able to resist when the situation seems most bleak, if you are able to maintain resolve and truly believe in the face of great temptation otherwise that it is WRONG to spend one's own money at Eatzi's...well, folks, that's when the next $20 will arrive, thereby rewarding your faith in the benevolent Eatzi's. So, we went elsewhere for dinner Thursday night.

The $20 (shown above) arrived in the mail the very next day. I smiled the smile of a true believer, knowing deep in my heart that as long as Eatzi's is around, I shall not pay, and by not paying, I shall not want.

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Secondly:

Has anyone happened to see the TV ad for Mirapex? If not, you can watch it here: http://www.mirapex.com/commercial.jsp

Mirapex is a drug for restless leg syndrome. I was (horror of all horrors) actually watching TV live instead of on Tivo recently, and this ad came on. I was only half-paying attention, but I do like to hear the sometimes lengthy list of side effects. Well, in this commercial, they're rolling through the usual list (headache, nausea, drowsiness), when out of nowhere they hit you with "tell your doctor if...(amongst a bunch of other stuff)...you experience increased gambling". HUH? Increased gambling?! That's a new one!

Yes, it's true, a possible side effect of Mirapex is compulsive gambling. I'm curious how this was discovered in the testing process. In the first stage of testing, were rats suddenly staging cockfights and betting larger-than-usual amounts of shit morsels on the outcome? Or was it in the second stage, when 5% of the people they tested the drug on were putting strange answers on the surveys they were required to fill out. I doubt that when the study began there would have been specific questions about their baseline gambling habits and whether gambling activity has increased, so I'm guessing the first red flags came from the comments section of the survey:

"Soon after taking my first dose, I pissed my inheritance away on Let it Ride. I am now homeless, so my forwarding address is no longer valid."

"Though I know with every fiber of my being that betting on Michigan State football is foolish, I suddenly can't seem to stop myself. However, due to this miracle drug, I can now stand still while they blow a 17 point 4th quarter lead. Thank you Mirapex!"

There should be a double disclaimer for Mirapex patients that are also on Cialis: If you are experiencing erections OR visits to the blackjack table that last greater than 4 hours, please consult your doctor. Moving on...

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Lastly, I was out for a late bike ride along the lakefront recently, heading back north on my way home past the North Avenue Beach area. As I came up to the area near Castaways, a group of 4 people (with 2 or 3 large dogs in tow) are about to cross the bike path, completely oblivious to my approach . I see them and slow down quite a bit and prepare to go around them, as this type of behavior is not unusual, especially around there. One of the women in the group looks up, and alerts one of the guys who is not paying attention with a "watch out!". He stops abruptly, as is apt to happen when someone says "watch out!", but he would have been fine either way as I was already adjusting for them. Then one of the other women points at me all pissed off and says "No, HE'S the one that needs to watch out!", just as I pass them.

I'm thinking, HUH?! I WAS watching out, and despite the fact that they were oblivious, I would have been well clear of them without intervention. Also, YOU'RE CROSSING A BIKE PATH. Sorry, but you DO need to watch out. Regrettably, since I was on a moving bicycle, I didn't really have time to formulate this entire argument, instead choosing to respond "What!?" as I continued to move along. I know, I know...I'm so eloquent.

Anyway, as I continue off into the distance, shaking my head, I hear what I assume to be the same woman yell in my direction: "GO BACK TO THE SUBURBS!"

All in all, that's one of the most confusing comebacks I've ever heard. I still don't get it. I mean, in what way was I exhibiting suburban-type behavior while riding my bike on a bikepath in the heart of the city at dusk? I haven't spent much time in the suburbs at dusk as of late, but are there a lot of crazed bikers roaming around scaring pedestrians? I almost think, in retrospect, that the only way that comment makes sense is if it was yelled by one of the bikers immediately behind me back to that lady. I have no way of knowing who yelled it.

It matters not, because "GO BACK TO THE SUBURBS!" has become my favorite non-sequitur for all occasions. Sample conversation:

Person 1: "I love chocolate ice cream."

Person 2: "I prefer vanilla."
Person 1: "GO BACK TO THE SUBURBS!"

Feel free to use "GO BACK TO THE SUBURBS" as your catch-all comeback when all logic has been exhausted. Not only is it fun, but since I never got a chance to rebut, all I can do now is turn her statement into a running joke. Please join me in doing so.

Media Overload

I am a Pop Culture Renaissance Man.

Just as a refresher, so that we're all on the same page here, the best definition I could quickly find on the web of a Renaissance Man is from Charles Van Doren, in his 1991 book, A History of Knowledge: Past, Present, and Future, and it goes like this: "The term Renaissance man suggests a person, either a man or a woman, of many accomplishments. A Renaissance man is neither an expert nor a specialist. He or she knows more than just a little about "everything" instead of knowing "everything" about a small part of the entire spectrum of modern knowledge."

Alright, so as long as we're defining shit and dishing out academic-style references...I do realize that using the term Renaissance Man within the context of as specific a realm of knowledge as pop culture is somewhat of an oxymoron, since being a Renaissance Man requires knowledge across varied disciplines. I think it works, though. If you think in terms of the wide range of media and knowledge that make up pop culture as a whole, when it comes to those things, I am a Renaissance Man. If I was to apply a theme song to this statement of personal awesome-ness when it comes to pop culture, it would be sung to Billy Joel's An Innocent Man, and it would go like this: "I (ultra-high-note-alert) AAAAAMMMMMmmmmm a Renaissance Maaaaan, oh yes I am....a Renaissance Man." Ok, so now we have my title created and a theme song prepared. Only one problem...

I'm finding it harder and harder to keep up. There's too much out there, too much to enjoy. I am confronted on a daily basis with the problem of having too damn many entertainment options to choose from, and the demands of being a Pop Culture Renaissance Man are getting greater and greater. To make matters worse, most of these options are available to me at a moments notice, at my whim...which makes it even harder to decide, because the range of choices at ANY GIVEN MOMENT of how one can entertain themselves are ever-expanding. The concept of "choice paralysis" is not new, especially in the area of consumer behavior. Too much choice makes the mind boggle, and a limited amount of options is optimal in order to maintain sanity. Even once decisions are made, there is scarcely time to keep up with all of it. It is a hole I have dug for myself in many ways, because I can not resist quality entertainment, and once I open the door to something new, I tend to stick with it.

Let's just think of a typical evening, and the available choices I have at my fingertips to entertain myself include (get your mind out of the gutter, these are pop culture related choices only):

1. TV (this could mean watching something on Tivo, live TV, a TV show I either own on DVD or currently have from Netflix, or streaming shows from the web)
2. Movies (this could mean, in very rare cases, going to the theater, but is more likely either something I have on DVD from Netflix, something I own on DVD, something currently airing on HBO or (gasp) on some channel that has commercials, or even--although I have yet to use it--through direct download to my Tivo from Amazon Unbox. Yes, I realize you can also download movies on the 'net, but I don't find that desirable as of yet).
3. Music (this is perhaps the most widely ranging of all, as I can listen to something I have on mp3, something from my CD collection, internet radio, podcasts, those digital music channels in the 700+ channel range on cable, and, yes, even regular radio--I don't have satellite radio)
4. Printed material (I keep up with Entertainment Weekly as well as the afore-blogged-about Vanity Fair, I try to read the newspaper a few times a week at lunch, the Reader and/or the Onion, and yes, I still read books with regularity)
5. Video Games (currently includes only the PS2, but the Wii will be added to this category any day now)
6. Internet Grab-bag (I already mentioned podcasts, streaming TV, and streaming radio, but this would also include time spent keeping up with sites and blogs that are of interest, as well as the vast amount of time spent tooling around YouTube--a must for any Pop Culture Renaissance Man)

What usually ends up happening is I will attempt to do some combination of the above: watch TV while surfing the 'net, read EW or Savage Love & The Straight Dope in the Reader while a movie is on, listen to music or a podcast while lighting up UM for 70 points with the Spartans on NCAA Football on the PS2, etc. This leads to its own set of problems, because you might find yourself halfway into an episode of Grey's Anatomy without really realizing the latest reason Meredith is being a whiney pain in the ass, because you got caught up watching videos of Iron Sheik diatribes on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9K-wEUCCvE0, go ahead and watch it...you won't be disappointed).

Even when multi-tasking, the above activities can suck up an entire evening pretty quickly. Before you know it, you're 6 episodes behind on the Coverville Podcast, you've had the same 3 movies from Netflix for 2 weeks, you miss a Wings playoff game because you forgot they were on, and the new issue of Vanity Fair arrives before you had a chance to read the article from the last issue on Demi Moore. Not a good series of events if you want to maintain Pop Culture Renaissance Man status. Thankfully, the summer is coming and the demands on an active Pop Culture enthusiast lighten, although not nearly as much as they did in the past, before the summer schedule began to be filled with new (often reality-based) TV programming (most people blame Survivor for this, but I think it really goes back to the brilliant summer episodes of 90210 when they shipped Brenda and Donna off to Paris so that the rest of us could enjoy ourselves at the Beach Club for the summer without interference from those two hags). But I digress.

Is anyone else having this problem? Does anyone else feel like the expectations placed on an avid consumer of pop culture are getting too high?

I am appreciative that we are lucky enough to live in a time where there is not only such a wide array of options, but so many of them that are producing supremely quality entertainment. It's a Golden Age, really, but it's also debilitating in a way. If only I didn't have to go to work, there would be so much more time. I just wonder what the future holds. DaVinci was a Renaissance Man in his time, but I doubt that in our time he'd be able to keep up with nuclear physics and stem-cell research while at the same time directing films and writing brilliant novels. The increased level of knowledge in the disciplines that made him known as a Renaissance Man would have made it impossible for him to keep up with all of them and he would have been forced to specialize. I'm sure he'd still be wildly successful in whatever areas he concentrated on, but a Renaissance Man no longer. Perhaps I am just reaching the tipping point: the point at which I, as a modern-day Pop Culture DaVinci, will find it impossible to keep up with it all and be forced to relinquish my Renaissance Man status and pare back my extensive pop culture range in exchange for my sanity.

Until then, "I aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam...a Ren-ai-ssance Maaan, oh yes I aaaaaam...a Renaissance Man!"

The Saga of Eatzi's

I have been sitting on something I have wanted to post about for awhile now, for a couple of reasons:

1) It involves yet another eating establishment, and somehow I’ve fallen into a pattern of writing repeatedly about eating and/or eating establishments. I’ve covered donuts, sliders, places that put toppings on the bottom of a burger, half-assed Quizno’s, Top Chef, and, of course, the very evil but never-will-be-an-empire Dippin’ Dots. (Speaking of which, the location at Lincoln Park Zoo no longer says “Ice Cream of the Future” on the main signage. Coincidence?)
2) I didn’t want to spoil the gravy train that I will describe below, for me or for anyone else, by somehow informing the establishment of something they didn’t realize was happening. That concern appears to no longer be valid, and probably never was, considering I get 100 hits or so/month, and more than half of those are from returning visitors. If you are a first time visitor, it is probably for one of two reasons: you were doing a Google search for the meaning of Bob Dylan’s brilliant song "It’s Alright Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)", which inspired the name of this blog, OR because you are in Italy and are searching for http://www.jkcapri.com/, a hotel on the Isle of Capri that has exquisite taste in web addresses and looks like it is in just about the most beautiful place for a hotel on planet Earth. In either of those two cases, you’re probably not hanging around for long. If you wanted the meaning of the Dylan song, you’re not going to find it here (or anywhere on the Internet, since what matters is what it means to you). If you wanted to find the hotel, well, I’m thinking you’re probably moving along quickly, too, and I don’t blame you. If you are indeed here on purpose, thanks! I will try to write about something unrelated to food next time.
There, I feel better now. This episode of “behind the blog” is hereby concluded. Moving on to…

The Saga of Eatzi’s
http://www.eatzis.com/Default.aspx

It is difficult to describe exactly what Eatzi’s is. If you feel like finding out more after I describe it, click the link above, it will open in a new window. It is sort of a Whole Foods-type place, with less emphasis on having a full market and more emphasis on providing fully prepared, “gourmet” heat-and-eat meals. The food is pretty good. Nothing from there has really blown me away to the point where it would force me to return to quiet an urge. I have tried many items at Eatzi’s, so I’m reasonably sure that if there was something like that in the store, I would have tried it by now.

As I said, I have tried many items at Eatzi’s. These items have totaled over $100 in purchases during a period of little more than a year, but I spent less than $5 total out of my pocket. How, you may ask? Allow me to present a timeline:

January, 2006 (approximately)
I arrive home a bit later than usual from work. It is a Monday evening. I get the mail, and there are the usual mix of bank statements, bills and credit card offers, plus a postcard-sized mailing from a new establishment called Eatzi's. I set it down, but I am more focused on the financial stuff. Going through the new mail also serves as a reminder of some other bills I need to pay, so I sit down at the computer to get things squared away. Time begins to get away from me, 8 PM is approaching, I begin to get quite hungry, and realize that I have virtually no food in the house. Having just gone through my bills, I have that “I shouldn’t be eating out as much” feeling. I really, really need to grocery shop, but have put that off through the weekend and now really don’t feel like going at 8 on a Monday night. So, I reluctantly decide to have popcorn for dinner. That thought makes me unhappy. Then I look down at the Eatzi’s mailing, and pick it up to read it more closely. It is a gift certificate, and it says it’s for $20. Being the ultra-savvy and always-wary consumer that I am, I study the postcard for “the catch”. I assume “the catch” will be that I must spend a specified amount of money in order to get the $20…like, spend $20 and get $20 free. To my surprise, I see nothing. At this moment, my (now former) roommate arrives home, along with another friend of ours. She had received the same gift certificate, had used it, and verified that it was on the up and up. What are the chances that I would get a free $20 in prepared food on just the night when I most wanted it? Excited at the prospect of eating actual food for dinner instead of settling for popcorn, I bound out of the apartment, and on to Eatzi’s. What I chose from there to eat isn’t important, although I am pretty sure a Rotisserie chicken was involved, as well as an éclair, but what is important is that there was no "catch". In fact, when my total came up to less than $20 by $1.50 or so, the clerk at the register said that I had to pick another item to get it to $20, and then directed me to a few items that were $1.50 or so. I think I ended up owing $0.50. At this point, I can only assume that because Eatzi’s is new to the neighborhood, they are trying to draw in those that live in the area, and I am happy to have been part of their attempt.

February-March 2006
Having spent the previous 1-2 months marveling at the serendipity involved in the Eatzi’s mailing arriving in my moment of need, I start to think perhaps I should go back to Eatzi’s. After all, they did give me a free $20. However, I also have the strange feeling about the fact that going back is exactly what they want. To use an analogy that those of you that watch Deadliest Catch will understand, going back would make me like an Alaskan crab, captured after entering the pot to take the bait. Ok, that may be a bit of a stretch, but it would have made me feel like a bit of a sucker…going back would actually mean that they would make up some portion of the $20 they gave me, and would somehow cheapen the experience of being given $20 by a complete stranger at the perfect time. It would turn the $20 into a marketing scheme, where previously it was a thoughtful gift timed perfectly to deliver me from a night of mundane food and/or a trip to the grocery.
So, with that mindset as a backdrop, imagine my surprise to check the mail and find yet another $20 gift certificate! Same deal, no strings attached, $20 in free food. This strikes me as very strange, because if the first $20 was meant to whet my appetite and prompt a return visit, I’m not sure what the purpose of the second one would be. Even if I had fully intended to go back and spend more money there, I don't need to now, ‘cause I have another $20 of their cardboard money to spend. I decide I must have somehow landed on multiple mailing lists, and they failed to cross-check them. My roommate has NOT received a second Eatzi’s gift certificate, which seems to validate that theory. Either way, I happily return to Eatzi’s to spend my second $20, again overshooting the $20 by pocket change. I’m now up to $40 in free food. Good times.

Late Summer, 2006
Despite a lovely, fun-filled summer, hard times have struck our hero (me, of course). The roommate moved out towards the end of April, seeking greener pastures on the East coast, and creating a rent void that a suitable replacement was not found to fill. The company I worked for was sold in late July/early August, to a competitor that proceeded to pull a reverse-Corleone by making an offer that I can't accept. The unemployment line beckoned, and a tight budget on spending went into effect. Eatzi’s is a distant memory…until…not long after losing the job, another gift certificate arrives. If the first $20 seemed serendipitous, the third $20 almost seemed touching. $20 in free, prepared food at the time when the budget is most tight? Thoughts of mailing lists and serendipity fade to the background. This one seems more karmic, like the universe is giving back. This $20 is bigger than all of us. But, not so big that I can’t spend it…and spend it I do, happily bringing the total up to $60 in free stuff. The universe has nourished me in preparation for an extended job search.

Mid-November, 2006
After 3+ months of job searching, there is light at the end of the tunnel. A job offer has been received and accepted, and I am to start on the Monday after Thanksgiving. The prospect of receiving a salary and having a place to work brightens things considerably, and a Thanksgiving visit from my lovely girlfriend awaits. Not long before Thanksgiving, another $20 arrives from Eatzi’s. This time it is a holiday-related mailing, in a regular-sized envelope. Are you kidding me? What are these people thinking? I don’t spend a dime there, and they keep sending me money! Haven’t they ever heard that you shouldn’t throw good money after bad? Seriously, $20 is plenty to spend there in one visit. They do have wine and some other luxury food-type non-perishables, but $20/visit is plenty for a couple of days of food for a couple of people, so there’s really not much reason to spend more than that amount in a single trip. Do they really expect that I will spend enough money in-between the $20 mailings to make up for the $20 in free food? We’re up to $80! I’m not sure what the margins are in this business at all, but even if the actual food cost them little, there has to be a fairly decent amount of overhead at this place, as they seem to have a rather large number of employees, and occupy a fairly large space in a prime location. Even while wondering about their ability to survive, the girlfriend and I pay them a visit Thanksgiving weekend when we reach our limit of turkey consumption.

Mid-December, 2006
Although the holiday season is in full swing, most of my focus is on the new job, and the upcoming trip to Baltimore to meet the girlfriend’s family at Christmas. I have mentioned the generosity of Eatzi’s to several others, and by the time I find another gift certificate in the mail for yet another $20, it prompts a round of laughter-filled phone calls to give an update on the latest arrival. I guess $80 didn’t seem like a round enough figure to Eatzi’s, so they wanted to up the total to a cool Franklin. I hold on to the gift certificate in anticipation of my return (with girlfriend in tow) from the Christmas trip, and we use it in the week between Christmas and New Years. With the latest $20, I start to think about Eatzi’s as a sort of rich uncle, who doesn’t really know me but makes sure that his secretary sends a check for holidays and birthdays. The excitement at receiving these $20 gifts has subsided, and redeeming them has become akin to depositing the rich uncle’s check…after awhile, it doesn’t really seem thoughtful, it just seems routine. However, $20 is $20, and I dutifully visit and bring my total to $100 in food.

March, 2007
During the first 3 months of ’07, I sporadically consider visiting Eatzi’s. However, a pretty funny unintended-by-Eatzi’s effect of the repeated gift certificates has set in: I am reluctant to go back to visit and spend my own cash when it seems fairly likely that another $20 will show up at any moment. So, I find myself thinking, "I’d like to go to Eatzi’s, but I’ll just wait and see if a gift certificate shows up."
More than 3 months pass without anything arriving in the mail. There was that stretch of about 5-6 months in ’06 without Uncle Eatzi sending me a check, though, and it hasn't yet been that long this time around, so I vow to be patient. After what seems like months (because it had been), another one finally arrives. Excited, I immediately begin thinking that this gravy train will never reach the station, that I have somehow landed on a recurring list that will provide me with $20 in free food, periodically, for life. Alas, it seems Uncle Eatzi has either smartened up or is beginning to feel the cash crunch of all these $20 cardboard bills, because this gift certificate is still for $20, but only when you first purchase $20 in food. The saga has come full circle, back to the arrangement I originally expected to find when I read the fine print on the very first gift certificate I received. Uncle Eatzi has ordered the gravy train to stop. I refrain from using the latest gift certificate. There’s really no use for $40 worth of food in one trip from Eatzi’s for a single guy, even if that single guy is known to have a large appetite. While "buy $20, get $20 free" may seem like a generous offer to someone new to the mailing list, to me it feels like the end of an era.

Modern Day
When I look back on the calendar year of 2006, there are so many positive things to think about. 2006 was the year I quit smoking, the year I lost a job and found a better one, the year that I turned 30, and the year where a new relationship began. In many ways, though, it will always be the Year of the Eatzi’s. I think a lot about going back to Eatzi's, using my own cash for purchases. Would the food taste as good if I had to pay for it? Would it all seem so magical if it didn’t feel like a caper, like putting one over on ol’ Uncle Eatzi? Would it get me back on the Golden Mailing List if I used my credit card?
Maybe I’ll go tonight…or maybe I should wait for a few more days of mail, just in case.

The Perils of Franchising

I visited a particular Quizno's location for the first time today, and the experience has now led me back here to post, despite months of inactivity. Two things having a blog has taught me: first, I apparently really enjoy writing/talking about fast food, and second, I apparently can't think of much else to write about, unless I'm in the mood to make a list.

Anyway, on to today's subject: franchises. Chains. Restaurant conglomerates. One of the things that makes a franchise successful is the reasonable expectation on the part of the customer that the experience you have had at all of the previous locations you've visited in a chain will be somewhat replicated if you choose to visit an unfamiliar location. This reasonable expectation is what makes people choose to exit the expressway to visit Cracker Barrel instead of Joe's Diner.

That choice makes a statement:
"I am hungry, I need to eat, and I KNOW what I can expect if I visit Cracker Barrel. It may not be great, but it's the safe choice. Joe's Diner may have the greatest Monte Cristo sandwich ever created by mankind, but I'm not willing to gamble on it, especially when losing that gamble means I may be throwing up in a gas station bathroom at the next rest stop. I'm also uncomfortable with the possibility of exposing my children to the circus freak waitress who works at Joe's Diner because Cracker Barrel had to let her go after 'the accident'."

Cracker Barrel offers security, and takes away some of the inevitable anxiety that one feels when facing an unknown. I may be in Podunk, Kentucky, but I know what to EXPECT when I walk into Cracker Barrel.
On some level, the same relative feelings of comfort are what greet us when we visit any large national chain. Say what you want about McDonald's, for example, but they are masters of providing a consistent experience across each and every location. Most of the big burger chains are pretty good at this, if not quite as consistent as McDonald's. On the other hand (finally bringing this back to today's experience), the sub chains have a little tougher time.

I have no evidence or facts to back this up, but it seems clear to me that the investment required to open a sub shop such as Quizno's or Subway is much lower, and that fact lends to wildly inconsistent experiences from store to store. Very likely the owners of some of these sub shops are running a restaurant for the first time, and while the raw materials they are working with may be the same, the end result can be different in enough subtle ways to make for an entirely less enjoyable visit. I've further noticed that many of the Quizno's shops seem to be run by a husband-wife team, often in a configuration where the wife is making the sub and the husband is manning the register. Yup, that's right ladies, in Quizno's world, I'm afraid you're still stuck in the kitchen while the man handles the cash.

Anyhow, today I decided to seek out a Quizno's. I was anxious to have a Classic Italian sub, as I hadn't had occasion to visit Quizno's since changing jobs (probably4 months or so), and there are no Quizno's that are extremely close, but I had a bit of extra time at lunch today on a rare less-than-really-busy day. I like Classic Italians, and I like generally like Quizno's. Both of my previous work locations had a Quizno's location extremely close by, and both had very friendly owners that came to recognize me over the time I worked there, so I've had pretty good luck in the past.

The Quizno's I visited today (at the intersection of Lincoln and McCormick on the northern edge of the city, for those that may ever happen to be in the area) seemed to be in good shape upon first walking in. It was clean, there was one table of people there who seemed not to be miserable, and there was the requisite husband-and-wife team ready to take my order. Surely they will be friendly, I thought, because I will be friendly to them, I am a new face, and they will want my repeat business (especially since there was no line, just after noon, which should have tipped me off). So, I placed my order of a regular Classic Italian, no tomatoes, on wheat. The wife stood still and looked at me blankly. I looked at the husband to see if I missed something, like perhaps I started at the wrong side of the counter. Nope, he's not giving any indication of anything out of the ordinary. So, I smiled at the wife awkwardly. I'm not sure what was holding her back, but my awkward smile appeared to spring her into action. Good, thought I, I can move on to selecting my salty snack.

As I moved along the counter, it became clear to me that this Quizno's had woeful chip selection. My usual dilemma at Quizno's is between Sun Chips and Ms. Vickies Jalapeno chips, both of which are stocked at virtually every Quizno's location in Chicagoland, except, apparently, for this one. There were only Cheetos, Baked Lays, and Doritos. I finally settled on Baked Lays. I don't really like them, but neither Doritos or Cheetos seemed like they would properly accentuate my Classic Italian sub, and Baked Lays are more of a neutral selection. With chips in hand, I proceed to the register.

Now I'm on to my first interaction (other than the earlier blank stare) with the husband, who asks me if I want chips and a drink. I have the chips in my hand. I realize he is really asking me if I want a combo, but for fuck sake, I'm holding chips already! Despite the obviousness of the chips, I just say yes, politely. Perhaps he has just fallen into the rhythm of asking that question. Benefit of doubt given. He rings me up, I pay, and he gives me a cup. On to the soda fountain while my sub is being prepared.

Because I am clearly watching my caloric intake closely, I select a Diet soda. As the cup fills, I can see that the stream looks slightly lighter than the proper color. Not clear, which would indicate a lack of syrup entirely, but definitely not that familiar cola-while-dispensing color we all know and love. (Side note: McDonald's is the MASTER of controlling the perfect mix of syrup-to-soda water across locations) I figure I will stick with it, because I am not in the mood for the prohibitive sweetness of a regular cola. I go to grab a lid, and proceed with affixing it to my cup. I realize as I am affixing said lid that I have in fact grabbed two, so I set one aside while proceeding with affixing the other. Much to my surprise, the husband suddenly appears next to me, grabs the lid, and puts it back in the stack! Wow! That guy moved like lightning! He clearly did NOT like the possibility that I would have thrown away the lid. Very strange. I mean, I didn't see it because I was focused on my cup, but he must have literally BURST out from behind the counter to grab that lid. It was a good 5-6 steps away! Wow. He goes back behind the counter, and after I grab my napkins and turn around, he says, "your sub, sir!" and reaches it out over the counter. I don't really have a free hand at this point, but I deftly transfer the napkins into the same hand as the drink and proceed to grab the sub. I put the drink and napkins down at a table, and proceed to my favorite part of the Quizno's Experience: The Pepper Bar.

Immediately, my excitement is dashed by the conspicuous lack of my favorite Chicagoland-Quizno's Pepper feature--the giardiniera. For those of you unfamiliar with this Chicagoland favorite, check this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giardiniera. I love giardiniera, and I especially love that at Quizno's, I can put an almost unreasonably massive amount on my sub. For some reason, this Quizno's does not carry it. All is not lost, however, because there is still jalapeno, and I will substitute that, as well as the standard pickles, which are key as well. As I begin to pile them on, I look up for the briefest of moments to find that the owner-husband is now glaring at me. G-l-a-r-i-n-g. At first I think he's still pissed about the lid incident, but I see him look down at my sub and back at me with a look that I can only interpret as an attempt to stare me off of adding any more pickles and peppers. Undeterred, I continue to add until there is a thick layer of both across my sub. Through this process I also realize that my sub seemed on the small side. You know how there's usually a slightly bigger half and a slightly smaller half after they slice it? This one seemed to have two of the smaller halves.

Finally, I sit down and begin eating my sub. It's ok. I can only assume that they either don't have their toaster turned to a high enough temperature, or the wife pulled it out before it really got all the way through, which is curious given that there was no one waiting behind me. Oh well. It's still edible. I begin to think this all through: limited chip selection, possible low temp on the toaster, low syrup mix on the Diet soda (this was confirmed after tasting), insane protectiveness over the lids, lack of proper pepper selection for regional location, and the glaring anger by the owner over my liberal use of peppers and pickles: this guy is running this place on a shoestring budget, and they are cutting corners as much as possible while still calling themselves Quizno's. It's a shame, because all together, it ruined the experience. If you can't provide the full package, don't provide it at all--and chances are, the customers will make that choice easy for you. I doubt this location will stay in business long.

As I finish my sub, I look up, and again, the owner seems to be eyeing me. I think he senses my disappointment, and I think he knows that I know he's running this place on the cheap, and I think that makes him even more angry. The thought crosses my mind to get up, go fill one of the small to-go containers at the pepper bar with pickles, and sit back down and eat them one by one, dropping them into my mouth like a king is fed grapes. I resist (I seriously wonder if that would have put this guy over the edge), but the thought brings a smile to my face none-the-less. I throw my waste away and head on out of there, remembering to beware of the false security of the sub shop franchise.

Tips for the Freshly Employed

So, you have a new job. What now? Here's a helpful set of tips to remember as you set forth with a new employer:
1. Tell them you have kids
Kids are an automatic "get out of work free" card. Feel like cutting out early? The kid pulled something at school and you have to meet with the principal. Feel like an extra hour of sleep? The kid was sick and you needed a bit of extra time to make arrangements. Those of you with children...I realize it's a lot of work. Waiting until you have kids to use these excuses is too late, since you'll actually have to take care of these things. Now's the time. Be smart about this! Suggested story: They are children from a previous marriage, you were young and stupid, and now you have partial custody, and they are of varying ages. Additional tip: feel like your compensation is somewhat lacking? These kids make for great "fundraising" opportunities. Get yourself a box of candy bars, and sell them for your kid's "Little League". One fictional girl and one fictional boy would be perfect...and make sure these fictional kids are involved in a LOT of extra curriculars, and roll out the fundraisers every few months or so. Instant quarterly bonus program!
2. Give yourself the full compliment of extended family members
They may have passed along, but they're still here in spirit, and as far as your employer should know, they're still living and they're somewhere not-very-close by. Anytime you need a few days off, but don't feel like using your vacation, well...you know what to do. Some might think that this is in poor taste, but I guarantee that your Grandma and Grandpa wouldn't have wanted you to be limited to your allotment of vacation and sick days. The key to this whole thing is all in laying the groundwork long before you ever need to actually go to it...strategic comments about having spoken to your Grandma the night before while enjoying lunch with co-workers, etc., are key to provide context for later on.
3. Determine who drives the same way as you, plan accordingly
You're going to need to use a traffic excuse at some point when you walk in a few minutes late, having forgotten you had a meeting. Knowing who drives the same way as you is key, so that you know when to pull this one out and when it will be disasterous.
4. Make friends with the IT guys
Yes, they help keep your computer up and functioning, and yes, they are likely going to be able to help you with countless things related to your job. Even more importantly, you're going to need someone on the "inside" in case the company ever decides to monitor your internet/e-mail usage. Just as Vito Corleone's vast network of senators, congressman, and judges made running rackets possible, these moles will give you the info you need to do your websurfing unencumbered by company policy.
5. Do not share your blog address with co-workers
This blog post alone makes this tip obvious, but really, who will give you more fodder for your blog than your co-workers? Keeping them blissfully unaware will allow full artistic freedom.

This should be enough to get you on your way. I'm sure my faithful (if you're still checking this after the latest layoff, you're definitely faithful) readers will be happy to give you additional tips by making comments below.

You May Say I'm a Dreamer

It's been about a month and a half now since I blew past the three decade mark on this here orb. I considered a post wherein I would wax poetic about my twenties, and I considered a post wherein I would detail all of the different reasons I'm lucky to be out of my twenties. I thought about a "funny things that happened in my twenties that few people know about" post, which I still may do, without the limitation of my twenties. I just haven't been in the right frame of mind to write about those topics, and I think it's because I have been more occupied with looking forward than with looking back. Even at my newly advanced age, there are still a few dreams left to fulfill.

I have always wanted to be at a wedding that gets called off at the last minute. I don't want to be too involved, definitely not in the wedding party or anything, and I don't want it to be anyone that I really care about (how's that for a disclaimer?). I just want to be a lowly member of the audience (being there as a plus one as a favor for a friend would be ideal), but definitely in a crowd that the father of the bride or best man has to go up in front of at the church or wherever and announce, "um, thanks to everyone for coming, but the wedding is off." The buzz of conversation swirling around the church, the awkward moments where everyone tries to decide what to do with themselves, and even (in a best case scenario) a pseudo-reception where everyone still gets blitzed because the folks that are footing the bill didn't want to see all of their non-refundable money go down the drain...the atmosphere would be electric. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I root for this to happen, but everytime I sit down in a pew and await a wedding ceremony, there is a part of me that wonders if it will happen, and I get an excited feeling in the pit of my stomach at the prospect. I do realize that this makes me a horrible person, at least in this context, and I know it would be one of the worst days of someones life that I have at least a vague connection to. I wouldn't wish it on most people specifically. Knowing all of that does not prevent the excited feeling in the pit of my stomach. My sister, after hearing about my little fantasy, once said to watch out, because it could turn out to be my wedding that gets called off. If any sort of karmic or ironic principles hold true, my wedding certainly would be a prime opportunity for the universe to prove a point. After reading this, perhaps those of you who are kind enough to attend my wedding to the-girl-of-my-dreams will get that excited, suspense-filled feeling in your stomach, too.

I don't know what it will take, but I want very badly to get jury duty. Obviously, jury duty is something most people avoid like the plague, even lie to get out of. This saddens me deeply, because these people don't realize that there are others out there who would love to be in their position, but for whatever reason, have not been blessed with the opportunity. I don't want to be part of just any jury, either. I want to reach the peak of the jury duty mountain. I want to be sequestered. Being sequestered seems like it would be fun. First of all, being sequestered means getting a lot of free food, and someone else has to go get it for you. It gives you a nice long break from your job, who can't fire you for being away. You're not allowed to watch the news, so you don't have to concern yourself with the problems of the day. You're not allowed to talk to people about the case, which would be fun, because pretty much all anyone would want to talk to you about would be the case. So, when you get your phone calls from your loved ones, I imagine the conversations would go like this: "Sorry, I can't discuss that. I CAN, however, talk about what you're going to do tomorrow. Oh, you're going to the beach with Billy? HE'S GOING TO FRY in all that sunshine, so please make sure he wears plenty of sunscreen, or HE'S GOING TO FRY. Talk to you tomorrow!" When the trial is over, and the jury is deliberating, it would be fun to just take the opposite side of whatever seems to be the prevailing opinion. No need to rush to judgement, you know? What's the big hurry? Just because some guy's life is hanging in the balance doesn't mean I should go back to work tomorrow. I mean, his life will still be in the balance in the morning. Can't it wait? Besides, the way I see it, someone should always play devil's advocate, just to make sure all of these jurors have their heads screwed on straight. The ideal situation would entail a trial for a Mafia kingpin or the like, because chances are good that bribes would be offered to a juror such as myself. A lottery-style payout in order to hang the jury? At your service. (It's comments like that that will keep this dream from actually happening. I'll give you each a cut of my payoff if you keep quiet later should it become necessary to delete this post. Okay? Okay.)

I would like to have a urinal in the bathroom at home. Urinals are so convenient and easy to use, and so prevalent in public places, yet completely unheard of in the home. Unfortunately, the bathrooms in my current place would not be very conducive to a urinal, due to space constraints. I suppose I could remove the toilet in one of my bathrooms and replace it with a urinal, but I'd like the option of the regular toilet and the urinal in each bathroom. The only drawback would be the necessity of keeping a stock of urinal cakes on hand, but I think that's a small price to pay for not really having to aim.

I think I'd make a really good television executive, with control over programming decisions and scheduling. I tend to have a good sense of which shows are going to be popular (even if I don't like them), and which shows will fall flat on their face (even if I do like them). I would be open to creative and off-the-beaten-path sort of ideas, but my tastes aren't so far out there that I'd be out of touch with mainstream America. My sense of TV history is solid, so I have a good knowledge of what has worked and what hasn't, and would heed the lessons of TV business past. Here's the problem: I don't really want to live in LA or New York, and I imagine most if not all jobs at networks with original programming would be in one of those two areas. Also, I have a feeling you have to have a background in TV in order to get hired in that capacity, or work your way up from the bottom. Sounds like a a hassle. I would much prefer that they just hand me the job and see what I can do. Want a resume? My resume is my good taste, f-ers! Hire me and watch the advertising revenues pour in.

It's that simple. Four things that would make my fourth decade here a happy one. There are other things that I could add in--owning a monkey, for instance--but I have to leave something for later on in life. So, if you're invited with a guest to a wedding that you think might be on shaky ground, or if you happen to know someone that can get my name in that jury pool, or can provide me the name of a cheap-yet-reliable urinal supplier/bathroom remodeler, or if you're thinking of starting a TV network but don't trust your judgement on what will be popular...simply add a comment below to fill me in, sit back, and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you're making dreams come true.

Guilty Pleasures

I've recently discovered a new TV station. For those of you in Chicago that may have it, it is WWME-TV, aka Me TV, and I'll be damned if they aren't right. TV for me is exactly what it is, an entire TV station built on the philosophy of airing the cheapest available syndicated programming. You won't find shows like Scrubs that are just now hitting the lottery and making a big splash with the first stages of syndication, and you won't even find shows like Cheers, Roseanne, or The Cosby Show that are now staples on Nick at Nite. (Speaking of which, remember when Nick at Nite aired things like Donna Reed, Car 54 Where Are You, and Mr. Ed? Remember how old those shows seemed? Uh, yeah...now they are airing the Cosby Show. Don't think that a 10 year old kid watching Nick at Nite today doesn't see the Cosby Show the same way we used to see Donna Reed. SCARY)

Me TV is all about the cheap stuff, which means you get some lower level classics that you won't see anywhere else anymore. The lineup includes The Brady Bunch, The Monkees, The Partridge Family, Good Times, The Munsters, I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, All in the Family, The Jeffersons, Sanford and Son, Fantasy Island, Love Boat, and they're even doing a Green Hornet marathon this weekend. I love that there's still a place somewhere on the air for these shows...hell, these are the shows that were in heavy syndication when I was a kid. I bring up Me TV not just for the benefit of those in Chicago that will prosper from the knowledge of its existence, but also because Me TV has reminded me how much I love Facts of Life.

When I discovered Me TV, of all the shows on their schedule that I love, Facts of Life is the one show for which I immediately set a TiVo season pass. It's generally the first thing I watch when I get home from work, as they air an episode at 4 pm every day during the week, and when I get home, there's always one waiting for me. Currently, the rerun schedule has us in about 1982, which places us clear of that strange first season when there were about 100 girls (including Molly Ringwald) in the cast and Tootie was on rollerskates the entire time, into the period when the show had found its formula and the girls were working in the cafeteria for Mrs. Garrett. In other words, the best seasons of the show...and I can't get enough of it. Loving Facts of Life isn't necessarily something you publicize if you want people to think you have good taste, making it a prime example of the title of this post: guilty pleasures. I've decided to come clean with some guilty pleasures with this post, in honor of my recent rediscovery of Facts of Life. This post is dedicated to Charlotte Rae and the girls, besides Mindy Cohn.

Guilty Pleasures

Section 1: Music
1. Meat Loaf, especially "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)"
It doesn't get much guiltier than this, but there are some classic unintentionally funny lines in this song, such as "Will you hose me down with holy water if I get too hot?", and Meat Loaf is just sincere enough to put a smile on my face despite the fact that everything he does is completely over the top.
2. Bonnie Tyler, "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
How do I know this qualifies as a guilty pleasure? If it comes on in the car, I immediately make sure the windows are up while at the same time turning up the volume. I wouldn't want to ruin my well-earned hard ass reputation by letting those around me on the expressway hear me listening to this song. On the other hand, I question the humanity of anyone that's never felt the urge to sing "every now and then I fall apart" at the top of their lungs along with Ms. Tyler.
3. Goo Goo Dolls
Deep down, I know this band sucks, yet I like some of their songs anyway, and always have. I can't figure it out myself. I think Name is a really solid song, and Slide and Iris are both ballads that would be remembered more fondly by those of my generation if they had been recorded in the 80's by Poison (80's rock ballads do not count as a guilty pleasure because everyone likes them). I've even seen this band live, at the strangest concert event I've ever attended...a show put on by the good folks at Parliament (the cigarette, not the form of government or funk band). It was at the Vic Theater, and was exclusively for Parliament smokers, with tickets only available to those that were on their mailing list. Whoever said those Smoker Sign Up things at the bars don't pay off clearly didn't happen to be both a Parliament smoker AND a Goo Goo Dolls fan. Anyway, two tickets for free, food included (which was catered and pretty good), alcohol was cheap...a couple of bucks a beer, I think. In case you're wondering, the show was good. Just like listening to their recordings, but right there in person! All it took was about 10 years of Parliament smoking to get those tickets, meaning for every $10,000 or so that I spend on their product, I got a free concert out of the deal. Hell, that's more than Basic does for their customers! I digress, but it should be noted, for those keeping track, I'm closing in on the big 6 month mark with nary a cigarette.
4. The Carpenters
Yes, the Carpenters. It feels so good getting that off my chest. Please beat me senseless now.

Section 2: Film
1. The Mighty Ducks, and any movie that follows the Bad News Bears formula
Take a bunch of misfit kids, a coach with demons to conquer, and throw them together in virtually any sport, and you've got yourself a movie that I will like. The original Bad News Bears is undeniably my favorite, but can't be considered a guilty pleasure. The guilty pleasures would be those that followed the formula: Mighty Ducks, Hard Ball (this is the baseball/kids movie with Keanu Reeves, set right here in Chicago), and Little Giants (with the small twist of Rick Moranis being the coach who always lived in the shadow of his tougher older brother). The one major sport that I can't remember getting this formula's treatment is basketball. Hmmm. I'd better get on that.
2. Sling Blade (as a comedy only)
I love Sling Blade, but feel it is misfiled on the video racks. As a drama, it is critically acclaimed and would not be a guilty pleasure. The voice ("mmm-hmmm"), the language ("french fried pertaters"), the facial expression, the clothes...Billy Bob created a live-action cartoon. He's a white trash rural idiot, and the film plays to me the same way as an SNL sketch-turned-feature-length comedy. There is a long-standing love of these types of people in this country...hell, if the character was religious, America would elect him President. Don't agree that this is a guilty pleasure? Try watching it with someone that loves it as a drama and laugh throughout.
3. Godfather, Part 3
Alright, so it didn't completely live up to the standards of the first two films. Yes, it's true that Sofia Coppola was no Meryl Streep. I still feel like this movie had a lot to say. The biggest reason people reject this film is because the Micheal character isn't the same person he was in the first two films (some find that unbelievable), but the struggle he is going through to come to terms with his past is precisely what makes this a great film. Of COURSE he's not the same person. This is a rare film because it shows the emotional toll that that sort of life will take as the years fade away, as well as featuring a major plot about religious corruption and a character's struggle with religious belief and mortality. This shouldn't be a guilty pleasure, but has become one simply because anytime the subject of the Godfather Trilogy comes up, someone is bound to say, "except for 3, 3 sucked", at which point I will be forced to mentally decide whether to argue for it.

Section 3: Television
1. Facts of Life
Take the good or the bad (go ahead, take 'em both), and there you have it...a great show. This is a guilty pleasure mostly because of the fact that the stars are all women (perhaps this belonged on the list at the end of my Vanity Fair post), but also because it tended to be full of "very special" episodes, hammy acting, and stayed on the air until it was absolutely awful, which tainted the public memory. None of the girls are particularly attractive (is Lisa Welchel as Blair the least attractive person ever to play someone that's supposedly extraordinarily attractive?), so I can't even use the Wonder Woman excuse (aka "I watch it 'cause the chicks are hot"). I have no defense, I just like it.
2. Laguna Beach
I don't know what it is, but if there is an episode of Laguna Beach on, and I happen to notice, I am drawn to it like a Southerner to stupidity. This often becomes problematic, because they are generally aired in blocks of 4 or 6, so I'm stuck for hours watching teen melodrama. Oh, how I love teen melodrama. 15 years ago I might have been able to get away with the Wonder Woman excuse for this show, but these girls are 17 and I'm newly minted 30, which even makes me uncomfortable. I don't want "guilty pleasure" to turn into an R. Kelly verdict.
3. Alf
Alf was funny, dammit! Currently, I am unaware of any channel that is re-running Alf, and that's too bad. I would even settle for the Alf and Alf Tales cartoons (you will recall that the Alf cartoon provided the backstory of the Alf character on Melmac, prior to coming to Earth, and Alf Tales had the inexplicable, yet somehow compelling premise taking the characters from the Alf cartoon and placing them in versions of fairy/folk tales). Even back then, I knew Alf was a bit corny...I'd be curious to see how the show seems now. I do recall the Alf sitcom being aired constantly in Germany when I visited, so perhaps there it is not just a guilty pleasure. Not sure it would be worth buying on DVD, but maybe I'll petition Me TV to start airing it.

Section 4: Miscellaneous People and Things
1. Mandy Moore
I thought about putting Chasing Liberty on the above list of movies, but it's really Mandy Moore I'm smitten with. Perhaps her turn on Entourage as Vince's first love has rendered my crush on her a guilty pleasure no more, but I can't help mentioning her anyway.
2. Liquid Cheese
It has recently come to my attention that there are those out there that find cheese in liquid form to be some lesser form of cheese. I'm speaking here, of course, of the type of cheese that you will find in the molded plastic along with tortilla chips when you order nachos at a ballpark or arena. Sure, it's full of chemicals and is completely unhealthy, but the only bad thing about liquid cheese is that it tends to run out before whatever it is you're putting it on. Order a cheese dog, and unless it's self-serve on the liquid cheese, you can expect a shortage of cheese in the cheese/hot dog ratio. Since many of you are now vomiting at that thought, I'll move along.
3. Andy Rooney
There are plenty of people out there that love Andy Rooney, but not many are 30+ years away from collecting social security. My Grandma would be proud...I recall her having Andy Rooney's books as far back as the early 80's, and I liked his brand of humorous commentary even then. I think a big reason I like Andy Rooney is that I will probably end up just like him minus the grand stage, gathering the grandchildren around to gripe about the problems of the day. (I really do wonder why Andy Rooney doesn't get much credit as an influence...there are plenty of comedians that have a similar approach, including Jerry Seinfeld)
4. Karaoke
There's no one that reads this regularly that doesn't already know that I like Karaoke (although it just now strikes me that it has been years since I've actually done it). Even though I've been out of the proverbial closet for years on this topic, it remains a guilty pleasure because I know it is lame and I continue to like it anyway.

Well, I think that about covers it. Feel free to toss any of your own guilty pleasures (or to agree with one of mine, if that's at all possible) in the comment section...you'll feel better about yourself afterwards, I promise.

They're Called Toppings for a Reason

Another of those random thoughts posts...

1) The onset of good weather means I listen to entirely different music. Some music just doesn't sound very good in the winter, and vice versa. Listening to the Dead in December just doesn't feel right, but for some reason, sunshine means I'm apt to dust off American Beauty and give it a listen. Other "summer" bands, at least for me, include: Allman Brothers, Black Crowes, some Petty albums (especially Wildflowers), Bob Marley, Lucinda Williams, and most songs that would appear on one of those Super Hits of the 70's: Have a Nice Day compilations (Indiana Wants Me, Drift Away, Cover of the Rolling Stone, and perhaps the best example, Summertime by Mungo Jerry). That music just sounds WRONG in the winter...I mean, listening to Marley sing Three Little Birds just doesn't resonate when it's 20 degrees outside. There are bands for that kind of weather: Mazzy Star, almost anything from the grunge era, and most singer-songwriter driven works from the 70's (Billy Joel, Carole King, Joni Mitchell). I can't imagine Mazzy Star is very popular in California, and I can't imagine the Dead are very popular in the Siberia, but I suppose I could be wrong.

2) Anyone that reads this blog and finds it even mildly entertaining should check out the work of Chuck Klosterman. I'm just finishing up Fargo Rock City, which was his first published book, but the third that I've read. If you were at all a fan of 80's metal (or glam rock), this is the masterwork on the subject. His other two published works are Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, which is a collection of essays on pop culture, and Killing Yourself to Live, which is a road story of sorts where he visits sites of famous rock star deaths. He's hilarious, insightful, and weaves interesting language on top of it. I've long considered Vonnegut and Hunter S. Thompson to be my two favorite writers, and I'm starting to think there might need to be room for a third.
Here's a great recent essay from Esquire that touches on text messaging and TiVo:
Invention's New Mother
Here's a link to archives of some of his SPIN magazine columns:
SPIN.com Chuck Klosterman archives
and here's some of his writing for ESPN.com:
ESPN.com Chuck Klosterman archives

3) What's up with places that put burger toppings UNDER the patty? Pickles, Ketchup, Lettuce, Onions...these things belong on top of the burger, dammit! Culver's does this, and they make a damn fine burger, but something about the burger doesn't FLOW right when you put that stuff in between the patty and the bottom bun. There's a little burger/beef/hot dog place by my apartment that has a 2 cheeseburger and fries special for 3.95 (4.30 after tax), and they also make a fine burger, yet put the toppings on the bottom. They're called toppings for a reason. They go on top. I will not entertain the argument that I should just turn the burger over if I don't like it, either, because the cheese is still on top of the patty (and putting THAT underneath would be even more confusing to the taste buds), and the bun is specifically constructed in such a way that there is a clear top and a clear bottom. Hell, we CALL them the "top bun" and "bottom bun". I'm tempted to ask these places to put the toppings on top where they belong, but I'm afraid that would be akin to actually ordering spit on my burger. Perhaps a sarcastic remark at Culver's such as, "what do you guys use for bottomings again? Lettuce, tomato, pickles, and mayo?" will scratch that itch without prompting retributive action from Joe Grill Guy. Think I'll ever get through one of these Random Thoughts posts without somehow discussing fast food?

4) Driving home (inbound) on the Eisenhower Expressway is quite an olfactory tour. Hillside means putrid industrial smells of indeterminate origin. By the time I get to Harlem Ave, on happy days, the Ferrara Pan factory treats the area to the unmistakable smell of Lemonheads (still can't figure out why the air never smells like Atomic Fireballs on other days). Somewhere in between Harlem and the circle interchange there must be a large bakery, because a few days a week the smell of fresh bread is quite prominent. This time of year, the ramp from 290 to Lower Wacker means a quick but quite pleasant burst of lilac, as there are lilac bushes planted all around that area. Finally, after scooting through Lower Wacker Blues Brothers-style and heading north on Lakeshore Drive, the scent of the air off the lake takes over. I know it sounds cliche, but having a renewed sense of smell has been a pleasant side effect of quitting smoking...I always noticed the Lemonheads smell, but not so much the others back in the smoking days, lo those many months ago.

5) Why does any news broadcast that gives the result of the American Idol voting suddenly see fit to attempt social commentary by comparing the amount of votes cast to those cast in a Presidential election? Just this morning, I learned from the "news" that 63 million votes were cast, and that the gray haired guy won (I quit watching the show a few seasons ago when I realized that I absolutely hated every second that I watched it), and that the 63 million votes were more than any Presidential election. Well, no shit. You can vote for American Idol by dialing an 800 number, and you can vote as many times as possible in the 2 hours after the show airs. You can also vote via text message if you're on Cingular. Furthermore, you can vote if you're a 12 year old girl, an age and gender which probably is responsible for 10 million of the 63 million votes. We all know that Americans are not as participatory as they should be in this democracy, but trying to compare American Idol voting to a Presidential election is a cheap shot. It's like comparing the number of McDonald's customers to C-Span viewers. It essentially means nothing as there is no basis for comparison, yet somehow has become a "valid" comparison to make by supposed credible news sources. Are they arguing that elections should mimic the American Idol model of democracy? Let it go. It's a popular show, but its popularity says nothing about our political system.

If NKOTB Had Changed the World

The other night I watched the 1988 documentary Imagine: John Lennon. It's a really compelling film that for some reason I hadn' t watched before...tons of footage from private collections, great interviews, etc., etc. It didn't really break any new info to me, as I have read and watched volumes on the Beatles over the years, but something struck me about watching the early footage of the Beatles stadium shows or tv appearances (you know the footage...where they couldn't hear themselves play over the constant insane screaming of young mostly female fans) that hadn't really crossed my mind before.

It is virtually impossible for any of us that were not of the proper age to experience the beginning, middle, and end of the Beatles as a band to understand what it would have been like. It is simply not even close to the same thing to discover the Beatles in retrospect, without living through the evolution of the band. I'm not saying we (meaning people my age) can't have some sense of historical perspective...some understanding of the time frame of various Beatles periods and what was going on in their lives and the world around them, and appreciate their music as a part of an era as well as flat-out GREAT MUSIC. I just don't think we'll ever know what it FELT like as it was happening. We've all watched the great bands of our times mature and take on different forms, but what went down with the Beatles is just incomprehensible to me. I'm not even sure, if am to be honest, that I could have taken the Beatles seriously enough if I had lived through those early days to ever appreciate what they became. To have been a Beatles fan from beginning to end, you had some transforming to do.

Back to the footage for a second, and perhaps I can bring this back to the point of what I'm talking about. While watching the footage of that first appearance on Ed Sullivan, or the Shea Stadium show, obviously the thing that stands out is the bizarre levels of ecstacy (the emotion, not the drug) involved in the screaming by teenage girls at these 4 moderately decent looking guys playing those early Love Me Do-type songs. It's crazy. The girls are shaking. It makes no sense. I began to formulate blog thoughts on that topic, thinking that crazed screaming of that magnitude amongst teenage girls in the early 60's is unrelatable to our times. Except that it isn't. For girls in my age group, it was New Kids on the Block that caused that kind of commotion. (Before any of you argue...I'm not pointing fingers...most of the girls I know probably wouldn't have done that. But that kind of thing DID go on at those shows). Watch footage of 'NSync or the Backstreet Boys, you'll find the same sort of screaming. The Beatles, in the Love Me Do era, were a "boy band".

Now you're probably starting to see where I'm headed with this, because once that realization hit me, I began to think of the Beatles differently. The Beatles went from being a boy band, playing meaningless pop ditties to legions of screaming girls, to becoming an important force of cultural change. A BOY BAND grew up and made Sgt Pepper, the White Album, Revolver, Rubber Soul, Abbey Road, Let it Be...A BOY BAND. For my age group, try to get your mind around New Kids on the Block, after releasing Hangin' Tough in 1988, going on to release Achtung Baby, Nevermind, Ten, Automatic for the People, and Blood Sugar Sex Magik(please don't quibble about the list...these are just some seminal album names that popped in my head from my high school years). Imagine 'NSync transforming into a band that makes important, profound, BRILLIANT music, then breaking up and continuing to do that as individual artists. Imagine Joey Fatone making a record as brilliant as All Things Must Pass. Imagine Lance Bass forming a new band with his wife and recording a song as good as Maybe I'm Amazed. Imagine Justin Timberlake writing Imagine. It's f-ing mindblowing. I can't even imagine living in a world where Imagine hadn't already been written. As fascinated as I am with the music of the decades prior to my birth, I'm quite sure that no matter how much I try to put it all in the proper context, there is just no way to really know the experience of being alive as that music was released.

Liquor in the Front

John's Scale of Incomprehensible Popularity (Ascending Order):

1 The Da Vinci Code
2 Lower Back Tattoos
3 Atlanta, GA
4 NASCAR
5 Fox News Channel
6 Ashlee Simpson
7 24 (as in the Kiefer Sutherland vehicle, not the number itself)
8 New Country Music (and the radio stations that play this format)
9 The Theory of Intelligent Design
10 Texas Hold'em Poker

(I should note that by "incomprehensibly" popular I do not mean that I don't understand how the listed items may have become somewhat popular in the first place, just that I cannot fathom how they became as popular as they did. DaVinci Code is a perfect example. Sure, I've read it. Not bad. A nice, entertaining read. But the HARDCOVER has been on the New York Times Best Seller list for 161 weeks now! It just fell to #11, mostly because the paperback just came out 4 weeks ago, and that's #1 on the paperbacks list. After 3 years, hasn't everyone read this damn thing? If not, can't they just borrow a copy from the 50 people they know that have one, or buy one of the half a million that are probably being sold at used book stores?)

The scale above likely has already illustrated what I am about to say, but I'll go ahead and say it anyway: enough with Texas Hold'em Poker. Of all the things listed above, Texas Hold'em has the unique distinction of being the only item on the scale of which I would once have considered myself a fan. Certainly part of the reason I'm particularly sick of it is the age-old effect that occurs when anything you think is cool suddenly becomes insanely popular, but it also has to do with the fact that the corresponding decline in the popularity of poker should have already happened.

The history of the rise of Texas Hold'em pretty much goes back to the 2003 World Series of Poker, when Chris Moneymaker turned a $39 entry fee in a small tournament into the $2.5 million World Series of Poker Championship. It wasn't the first time World Series of Poker was on ESPN...I can remember watching the World Series of Poker (at least the final table, which is all they used to air) long before that tournament. However, they expanded the coverage quite a bit that year, and with the great everyman sort of underdog story, coupled with the fact that they re-ran it for a full year at all hours, it created a lot of new poker fans that were thinking to themselves, "if he can do it...", which is precisely what ESPN was hoping for. By the next WSOP they went wall-to-wall with the coverage, and the high ratings meant other cable channels followed suit with their own poker shows, and the expanded viewership meant tons of new players for new multitudes of online sites, expanded poker rooms at the casinos, and about a million new suckers from which the professionals could now make their living. Fox Sports Channel alone would probably be off the air right now if not for the poker boom, at least in Chicago. They lost the rights to all the major teams in this city to Comcast Sports Net, leaving them with nothing to air but Best Damn Sports Show Period (which isn't) and endless poker show re-runs. I can't figure out how they actually survive other than the fact that people must be watching these poker shows as often as they can re-run them. I miss the good ol' early days of ESPN when a cable sports outlet having nothing to air meant they filled the slots with such cheap yet entertaining programming as World's Strongest Man, Australian Rules Football, and Sumo wrestling.

I just don't get why it hasn't died down by now. I mean, poker is fun. I like to play with friends here and there. I prefer other table games in Vegas, but I understand the strategy of poker, and I realize that there is always someone better than I am. What amazes me is that every asshole thinks he's got it all figured out. They're all Chris Moneymakers now. No one thinks they're the sucker at the table. Guys that can barely think their way out of a paper bag are acting like they can calculate odds in their heads, as if every time they lose a hand it was because someone else got lucky. Memo to Joe Poker: If you're not smart enough to realize that chances are very good that someone at the table is smarter than YOU, then you probably deserve to lose the money you're about to lose. I realize that you're excruciatingly bored with your existence, but it's time to find something else to pass the time, some other way to blow all the money that you don't know what to do with in the first place.

When the dust all settles, and all the suckers have been taken for all they can be taken for, there will only be 3 or 4 guys left with any money to play poker anyway, and they'll all be in the Bill Gates tax bracket. I'm thinking this might actually be a good thing, as the resulting lack of disposable income for the rest of these guys will probably wipe out at least a few other things on the list that started this post.

Choosing the Right Donuts (A Guide to Office Harmony)

I'm not a breakfast guy. Or, perhaps more accurately stated, I'm not a "get up long enough before I need to leave for work to have time to eat" guy. I'm more of a "hit snooze 10 times, force myself to roll out of bed, shower, throw on clothes, feed the cat, and get in the long line of traffic to work" sort of guy.
Couple this morning routine with the fact that sometimes I eat things like a bowl of popcorn for dinner, and the end result can sometimes be a crippling hunger upon my arrival to the office. It usually subsides enough to make it to lunch, but some mornings it is rough. On those mornings, a box of donuts thoughtfully brought in by a co-worker is just about as close to a miracle as I am willing to believe in.
Unfortunately, I also like to look gift horses in their mouths, and a box of Dunkin' Donuts, miracle or not, is no exception.

Some of you are probably reading this thinking, "Dunkin' Donuts still sells donuts? Get the fuck out!" I know, it's hard to believe...ever since the "Time to Make the Donuts" dude died, Dunkin' Donuts has pretty much distanced themselves from their main product, choosing instead to promote only their coffee. In my mind, they've tried to become a low-rent coffee house, like some sort of an unholy marriage between NASCAR and Starbucks. I kicked around their website for a bit...you really have to dig in order to find any mention of donuts, other than in their name. It's all about the java there now, but I digress.

OK, back to the original scene...I'm arriving at work, starving, and I spy a box of Dunkin' Donuts. I head to my office, power up the PC, and while it boots, head back to claim a donut. And therein lies the problem...unlike a Krispy Kreme box, which 9 times out of 10 will contain a dozen of their very best product (the glazed), your average Dunkin' Donuts box of a dozen is a calvacade of mediocrity. Plain cake donuts? Who the fuck actually would CHOOSE a plain cake donut? Ditto the powdered donut...may I please have a donut that doesn't leave me looking like I just did a line of coke in the bathroom and spilled half of it on my shirt? Those cinnamon/sugar coated ones? Seriously? That's the best you could do? The plain ones with strawberry frosting? Are these varieties not ALWAYS the last ones left in the box, usually until the end of the day when someone finally throws them away?
What I can't figure out is why people would pick up a dozen donuts and waste any of their 12 valuable selections with these clearly inferior donut varieties. Picking up a dozen donuts at Dunkin' Donuts and providing less than 3 Boston Kremes should be grounds for immediate dismissal. Boston Kremes (yes, that IS the Dunkin' Donuts' spelling of Kreme, too!) are always the first to go...to the point where I'm actually surprised to find one left in the box if there's been a few donuts taken. There's no mistake there, either...a Boston Kreme from Dunkin' Donuts is a damn fine donut. The top of their line, in my opinion. The thing is, I don't recall there being any extra charge for a Boston Kreme vs. one of their bullshit donuts listed above (or those ones coated in imitation coconut). If you're at Krispy Kreme, you're buying a dozen of the same damn fine donut, why not do the same at Dunkin' Donuts? There are other great varieties at Dunkin' Donuts as well: the Cruller, the jelly filleds (other than the lemon filled, which belongs in the crap pile and is especially evil because it is difficult to spot in advance), the Bavarian Kreme, even their glazed, while no where near the level of Krispy Kreme, is passable. There's just no conceivable reason to resort to a plain cake donut when picking your dozen. The fact that Dunkin' Donuts even OFFERS a plain cake donut is bullshit...they are relying on the fact that people will be too bashful to tell the person the precise donuts they want as part of their dozen or that there are people in the world boring enough to actually select that donut. The crap varieties are likely the cheapest for them to make, too, meaning that if you let the clerk choose, chances are very good that they've been trained to pick the shittiest (cheapest) donuts possible to fill out the dozen, meaning there will be at least one plain cake and a most of a powdered donut (the part that the woman in the office who can't bear to be seen eating an entire donut, so she breaks off a piece, rendering the rest of the donut completely unappetizing to all those that follow) left over at the end of the day to be thrown away. I'll bet the amount of money spent on shitty-ass donuts chosen to fill out a box of a dozen in the US each year exceeds the GDP of Liberia. Why no coordinated effort is made to have a standard office donut mix that will please everyone is beyond me, but even if one accepts that social coordination at that high a level is impossible, you'd think that when choosing your donut dozen you'd recall the ones that went untouched last time and avoid them in the future. Or is it that people don't really care as long as they get the one they wanted and everyone else knows that they were the ones that brought in the donuts? I just don't understand going to all the trouble of picking up donuts and then choosing the worst donuts possible. Perhaps that's why Krispy Kreme became more popular than Dunkin' Donuts...it was idiot-proof. The dumbest person at your office still knew enough to purchase their best product, ensuring maximum enjoyment for all.

So, without further ado, John's ideal Dunkin' Donuts dozens:
1) 12 Boston Kreme (ordered with a smug expression that lets the clerk know that you know that you've gotten the better of them)
2) 4 Boston Kreme, 2 Crullers, 2 Bavarian Kreme, 2 Jelly Filled, 2 Glazed (this is the dozen that allows for the fact that some folks are out of their damn skulls and don't like Boston Kremes, or if you're in the mood for a Boston Kreme AND another fine donut of a different ilk)
3) This option provides for a personal interpretation of #2, containing not less than 4 Boston Kremes, and any mix of remaining donuts that aren't bullshit. If you're not sure whether a donut is bullshit or not, it is a bullshit donut. If you still aren't sure, head to Krispy Kreme and get a box of glazed, 'cause Dunkin' Donuts is going to screw you and co-workers will mock you privately.

The Duke Family Tree

My roommate recieved the recent Dukes of Hazzard movie from Netflix the other day. Obviously, this is one of those films you just KNOW is going to be bad, but that you watch anyway, especially if you grew up a HUGE Dukes of Hazzard fan. I'll spare you a review of the movie, as I'm sure you can find plenty of reviews elsewhere if you so desire, and there's only so many ways to say that a movie sucked.

It did, however, bring back a lot of memories of the actual show. Having the less than satisfying versions of the characters in the movie in front of me reminded me of a lot of little things about the show...the way Uncle Jesse could get away with scolding Boss Hogg, JD's wife LuLu (who it just now strikes me reminds me quite a bit of the mom in What's Eating Gilbert Grape), Daisy's rather tender relationship with Enos that she was also oddly willing to exploit, and the dark days of the "replacement players", Coy and Vance, when Tom Wopat and John Schnieder decided to pull a contract holdout. Obviously, Uncle Jesse was the glue that held the Duke clan together, and he was fiercly protective of his family.

Which begs the question...just how did Uncle Jesse end up with all of these nieces and nephews under his charge? Bo and Luke and Daisy and Coy and Vance were all cousins, none of them brother and sister, all of them with Jesse for an Uncle. Furthermore, they all share the same last name of Duke. I'm going to go with the assumption that they are all first cousins, mostly because the show never gave me any reason to believe that they were more distant than that, but also because they actually refer to each other as "cousin", and in a town as small as Hazzard (in that part of the country), if they were going to refer to those that WEREN'T first cousins as "cousin", you'd probably be calling EVERYONE cousin. Since they never called Cooter or Cletus or any random Hazzardians at the Boar's Nest cousin, it follows that they only use that term for first cousins.

What this means is that Jesse must have had AT LEAST 5 brothers and sisters (more likely brothers, since all of his nieces and nephews share the last name of Duke, but it is certainly possible that any/all of them were born to a sister of his that never married). These brothers and sisters, or their spouses (the parents of Bo and Luke and Daisy and Coy and Vance) are never mentioned that I can recall. We're talking 5 separate sets of completely missing parents, and all indications are that at least Bo and Luke and Daisy have lived with Uncle Jesse for quite awhile, and all of them are fairly young (likely in their 20's), meaning something must have happened to all of their respective parents when they were QUITE young. Jesse sure didn't talk about it much, either, meaning there's got to be something seriously dark in their past...wouldn't you think Jesse would share stories of his brothers/sisters? Jesse was quite a storyteller, and as much as he protected those boys, you know he was a strong believer in the concept of family. Also, nothing is mentioned about any children that Jesse may have had. Although the current generation of Dukes appears to be tight-knit, it seems one needs only go back one generation, to Jesse and his brothers and sisters, to expose some major questions. Just what happened to the 5 or more brothers and sisters of Jesse Duke? What could have happened to elicit an unspoken understanding amongst Jesse and his nieces and nephews to NEVER mention these people again?

A few theories (some of these are owed in part to those that I've discussed this with over the past few days):

• Horrible accident at the family still (the Dukes were moonshiners by trade, although if you've read this far and didn't already know that information, I'd be shocked)
• Massive car accident (the Dukes have a longstanding track record of being reckless drivers, as Waylon Jennings was fond of pointing out in countless witty voiceovers)
• Prison/jail (the Dukes, although good at heart, ARE essentially a family of outlaws, but I find this option unlikely due to the obvious inept nature of the Hazzard police and innate ability of the Dukes to avoid prosecution of any kind)
• Family tree confusion caused by incest (there's really nothing to suggest this other than the fact that the show takes place in rural Georgia, and it's not my favorite theory simply because it's too damn easy)

I'd be interested to hear any other theories, or if there's any solid evidence from the show that my memory did not retain.

In the meantime, if you should happen across a Dukes of Hazzard rerun, while it may be enjoyable to watch Luke fire an impressively accurate flaming arrow, or to wonder why all the bridges in Hazzard are always under construction, I think it is important to remember that there is obviously some very real human drama simmering just beneath the surface of the Duke family, a story that may have been too dark to tell in those innocent times, but that would be really nice to know in order to fully understand what makes a Duke tick.