It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Blogging

I'm Betting the House on Mirapex

2007-07-23T17:17:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted, so naturally there's a few different topics to cover. That's right, folks...you're getting 3 blog posts for the price of 1!

First of all, an update to my earlier post about Eatzi's:

Yes, that's right...good ol' Uncle Eatzi finally broke down and sent me another $20! As usual, the timing of the arrival of the gift certificate was impeccable. This past Thursday night, my lovely girlfriend and I were trying to decide what we wanted to eat. Nothing stood out for either one of us, and we starting thinking maybe we should just go somewhere with a wide variety of options so we could just see what caught our eye. After a bit of discussion, she suggested that we just finally break down and go to Eatzi's, that no more gift certificates would arrive and that we should just give in and actually pay for the food there.

I urged her to hold out, knowing that if you are able to resist when the situation seems most bleak, if you are able to maintain resolve and truly believe in the face of great temptation otherwise that it is WRONG to spend one's own money at Eatzi's...well, folks, that's when the next $20 will arrive, thereby rewarding your faith in the benevolent Eatzi's. So, we went elsewhere for dinner Thursday night.

The $20 (shown above) arrived in the mail the very next day. I smiled the smile of a true believer, knowing deep in my heart that as long as Eatzi's is around, I shall not pay, and by not paying, I shall not want.

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Secondly:

Has anyone happened to see the TV ad for Mirapex? If not, you can watch it here: http://www.mirapex.com/commercial.jsp

Mirapex is a drug for restless leg syndrome. I was (horror of all horrors) actually watching TV live instead of on Tivo recently, and this ad came on. I was only half-paying attention, but I do like to hear the sometimes lengthy list of side effects. Well, in this commercial, they're rolling through the usual list (headache, nausea, drowsiness), when out of nowhere they hit you with "tell your doctor if...(amongst a bunch of other stuff)...you experience increased gambling". HUH? Increased gambling?! That's a new one!

Yes, it's true, a possible side effect of Mirapex is compulsive gambling. I'm curious how this was discovered in the testing process. In the first stage of testing, were rats suddenly staging cockfights and betting larger-than-usual amounts of shit morsels on the outcome? Or was it in the second stage, when 5% of the people they tested the drug on were putting strange answers on the surveys they were required to fill out. I doubt that when the study began there would have been specific questions about their baseline gambling habits and whether gambling activity has increased, so I'm guessing the first red flags came from the comments section of the survey:

"Soon after taking my first dose, I pissed my inheritance away on Let it Ride. I am now homeless, so my forwarding address is no longer valid."

"Though I know with every fiber of my being that betting on Michigan State football is foolish, I suddenly can't seem to stop myself. However, due to this miracle drug, I can now stand still while they blow a 17 point 4th quarter lead. Thank you Mirapex!"

There should be a double disclaimer for Mirapex patients that are also on Cialis: If you are experiencing erections OR visits to the blackjack table that last greater than 4 hours, please consult your doctor. Moving on...

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Lastly, I was out for a late bike ride along the lakefront recently, heading back north on my way home past the North Avenue Beach area. As I came up to the area near Castaways, a group of 4 people (with 2 or 3 large dogs in tow) are about to cross the bike path, completely oblivious to my approach . I see them and slow down quite a bit and prepare to go around them, as this type of behavior is not unusual, especially around there. One of the women in the group looks up, and alerts one of the guys who is not paying attention with a "watch out!". He stops abruptly, as is apt to happen when someone says "watch out!", but he would have been fine either way as I was already adjusting for them. Then one of the other women points at me all pissed off and says "No, HE'S the one that needs to watch out!", just as I pass them.

I'm thinking, HUH?! I WAS watching out, and despite the fact that they were oblivious, I would have been well clear of them without intervention. Also, YOU'RE CROSSING A BIKE PATH. Sorry, but you DO need to watch out. Regrettably, since I was on a moving bicycle, I didn't really have time to formulate this entire argument, instead choosing to respond "What!?" as I continued to move along. I know, I know...I'm so eloquent.

Anyway, as I continue off into the distance, shaking my head, I hear what I assume to be the same woman yell in my direction: "GO BACK TO THE SUBURBS!"

All in all, that's one of the most confusing comebacks I've ever heard. I still don't get it. I mean, in what way was I exhibiting suburban-type behavior while riding my bike on a bikepath in the heart of the city at dusk? I haven't spent much time in the suburbs at dusk as of late, but are there a lot of crazed bikers roaming around scaring pedestrians? I almost think, in retrospect, that the only way that comment makes sense is if it was yelled by one of the bikers immediately behind me back to that lady. I have no way of knowing who yelled it.

It matters not, because "GO BACK TO THE SUBURBS!" has become my favorite non-sequitur for all occasions. Sample conversation:

Person 1: "I love chocolate ice cream."

Person 2: "I prefer vanilla."
Person 1: "GO BACK TO THE SUBURBS!"

Feel free to use "GO BACK TO THE SUBURBS" as your catch-all comeback when all logic has been exhausted. Not only is it fun, but since I never got a chance to rebut, all I can do now is turn her statement into a running joke. Please join me in doing so.

Media Overload

2007-05-25T13:54:00.000-05:00

I am a Pop Culture Renaissance Man.

Just as a refresher, so that we're all on the same page here, the best definition I could quickly find on the web of a Renaissance Man is from Charles Van Doren, in his 1991 book, A History of Knowledge: Past, Present, and Future, and it goes like this: "The term Renaissance man suggests a person, either a man or a woman, of many accomplishments. A Renaissance man is neither an expert nor a specialist. He or she knows more than just a little about "everything" instead of knowing "everything" about a small part of the entire spectrum of modern knowledge."

Alright, so as long as we're defining shit and dishing out academic-style references...I do realize that using the term Renaissance Man within the context of as specific a realm of knowledge as pop culture is somewhat of an oxymoron, since being a Renaissance Man requires knowledge across varied disciplines. I think it works, though. If you think in terms of the wide range of media and knowledge that make up pop culture as a whole, when it comes to those things, I am a Renaissance Man. If I was to apply a theme song to this statement of personal awesome-ness when it comes to pop culture, it would be sung to Billy Joel's An Innocent Man, and it would go like this: "I (ultra-high-note-alert) AAAAAMMMMMmmmmm a Renaissance Maaaaan, oh yes I am....a Renaissance Man." Ok, so now we have my title created and a theme song prepared. Only one problem...

I'm finding it harder and harder to keep up. There's too much out there, too much to enjoy. I am confronted on a daily basis with the problem of having too damn many entertainment options to choose from, and the demands of being a Pop Culture Renaissance Man are getting greater and greater. To make matters worse, most of these options are available to me at a moments notice, at my whim...which makes it even harder to decide, because the range of choices at ANY GIVEN MOMENT of how one can entertain themselves are ever-expanding. The concept of "choice paralysis" is not new, especially in the area of consumer behavior. Too much choice makes the mind boggle, and a limited amount of options is optimal in order to maintain sanity. Even once decisions are made, there is scarcely time to keep up with all of it. It is a hole I have dug for myself in many ways, because I can not resist quality entertainment, and once I open the door to something new, I tend to stick with it.

Let's just think of a typical evening, and the available choices I have at my fingertips to entertain myself include (get your mind out of the gutter, these are pop culture related choices only):

1. TV (this could mean watching something on Tivo, live TV, a TV show I either own on DVD or currently have from Netflix, or streaming shows from the web)
2. Movies (this could mean, in very rare cases, going to the theater, but is more likely either something I have on DVD from Netflix, something I own on DVD, something currently airing on HBO or (gasp) on some channel that has commercials, or even--although I have yet to use it--through direct download to my Tivo from Amazon Unbox. Yes, I realize you can also download movies on the 'net, but I don't find that desirable as of yet).
3. Music (this is perhaps the most widely ranging of all, as I can listen to something I have on mp3, something from my CD collection, internet radio, podcasts, those digital music channels in the 700+ channel range on cable, and, yes, even regular radio--I don't have satellite radio)
4. Printed material (I keep up with Entertainment Weekly as well as the afore-blogged-about Vanity Fair, I try to read the newspaper a few times a week at lunch, the Reader and/or the Onion, and yes, I still read books with regularity)
5. Video Games (currently includes only the PS2, but the Wii will be added to this category any day now)
6. Internet Grab-bag (I already mentioned podcasts, streaming TV, and streaming radio, but this would also include time spent keeping up with sites and blogs that are of interest, as well as the vast amount of time spent tooling around YouTube--a must for any Pop Culture Renaissance Man)

What usually ends up happening is I will attempt to do some combination of the above: watch TV while surfing the 'net, read EW or Savage Love & The Straight Dope in the Reader while a movie is on, listen to music or a podcast while lighting up UM for 70 points with the Spartans on NCAA Football on the PS2, etc. This leads to its own set of problems, because you might find yourself halfway into an episode of Grey's Anatomy without really realizing the latest reason Meredith is being a whiney pain in the ass, because you got caught up watching videos of Iron Sheik diatribes on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9K-wEUCCvE0, go ahead and watch it...you won't be disappointed).

Even when multi-tasking, the above activities can suck up an entire evening pretty quickly. Before you know it, you're 6 episodes behind on the Coverville Podcast, you've had the same 3 movies from Netflix for 2 weeks, you miss a Wings playoff game because you forgot they were on, and the new issue of Vanity Fair arrives before you had a chance to read the article from the last issue on Demi Moore. Not a good series of events if you want to maintain Pop Culture Renaissance Man status. Thankfully, the summer is coming and the demands on an active Pop Culture enthusiast lighten, although not nearly as much as they did in the past, before the summer schedule began to be filled with new (often reality-based) TV programming (most people blame Survivor for this, but I think it really goes back to the brilliant summer episodes of 90210 when they shipped Brenda and Donna off to Paris so that the rest of us could enjoy ourselves at the Beach Club for the summer without interference from those two hags). But I digress.

Is anyone else having this problem? Does anyone else feel like the expectations placed on an avid consumer of pop culture are getting too high?

I am appreciative that we are lucky enough to live in a time where there is not only such a wide array of options, but so many of them that are producing supremely quality entertainment. It's a Golden Age, really, but it's also debilitating in a way. If only I didn't have to go to work, there would be so much more time. I just wonder what the future holds. DaVinci was a Renaissance Man in his time, but I doubt that in our time he'd be able to keep up with nuclear physics and stem-cell research while at the same time directing films and writing brilliant novels. The increased level of knowledge in the disciplines that made him known as a Renaissance Man would have made it impossible for him to keep up with all of them and he would have been forced to specialize. I'm sure he'd still be wildly successful in whatever areas he concentrated on, but a Renaissance Man no longer. Perhaps I am just reaching the tipping point: the point at which I, as a modern-day Pop Culture DaVinci, will find it impossible to keep up with it all and be forced to relinquish my Renaissance Man status and pare back my extensive pop culture range in exchange for my sanity.

Until then, "I aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam...a Ren-ai-ssance Maaan, oh yes I aaaaaam...a Renaissance Man!"

The Saga of Eatzi's

2007-05-03T18:08:00.000-05:00

I have been sitting on something I have wanted to post about for awhile now, for a couple of reasons:

1) It involves yet another eating establishment, and somehow I’ve fallen into a pattern of writing repeatedly about eating and/or eating establishments. I’ve covered donuts, sliders, places that put toppings on the bottom of a burger, half-assed Quizno’s, Top Chef, and, of course, the very evil but never-will-be-an-empire Dippin’ Dots. (Speaking of which, the location at Lincoln Park Zoo no longer says “Ice Cream of the Future” on the main signage. Coincidence?)
2) I didn’t want to spoil the gravy train that I will describe below, for me or for anyone else, by somehow informing the establishment of something they didn’t realize was happening. That concern appears to no longer be valid, and probably never was, considering I get 100 hits or so/month, and more than half of those are from returning visitors. If you are a first time visitor, it is probably for one of two reasons: you were doing a Google search for the meaning of Bob Dylan’s brilliant song "It’s Alright Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)", which inspired the name of this blog, OR because you are in Italy and are searching for http://www.jkcapri.com/, a hotel on the Isle of Capri that has exquisite taste in web addresses and looks like it is in just about the most beautiful place for a hotel on planet Earth. In either of those two cases, you’re probably not hanging around for long. If you wanted the meaning of the Dylan song, you’re not going to find it here (or anywhere on the Internet, since what matters is what it means to you). If you wanted to find the hotel, well, I’m thinking you’re probably moving along quickly, too, and I don’t blame you. If you are indeed here on purpose, thanks! I will try to write about something unrelated to food next time.
There, I feel better now. This episode of “behind the blog” is hereby concluded. Moving on to…

The Saga of Eatzi’s
http://www.eatzis.com/Default.aspx

It is difficult to describe exactly what Eatzi’s is. If you feel like finding out more after I describe it, click the link above, it will open in a new window. It is sort of a Whole Foods-type place, with less emphasis on having a full market and more emphasis on providing fully prepared, “gourmet” heat-and-eat meals. The food is pretty good. Nothing from there has really blown me away to the point where it would force me to return to quiet an urge. I have tried many items at Eatzi’s, so I’m reasonably sure that if there was something like that in the store, I would have tried it by now.

As I said, I have tried many items at Eatzi’s. These items have totaled over $100 in purchases during a period of little more than a year, but I spent less than $5 total out of my pocket. How, you may ask? Allow me to present a timeline:

January, 2006 (approximately)
I arrive home a bit later than usual from work. It is a Monday evening. I get the mail, and there are the usual mix of bank statements, bills and credit card offers, plus a postcard-sized mailing from a new establishment called Eatzi's. I set it down, but I am more focused on the financial stuff. Going through the new mail also serves as a reminder of some other bills I need to pay, so I sit down at the computer to get things squared away. Time begins to get away from me, 8 PM is approaching, I begin to get quite hungry, and realize that I have virtually no food in the house. Having just gone through my bills, I have that “I shouldn’t be eating out as much” feeling. I really, really need to grocery shop, but have put that off through the weekend and now really don’t feel like going at 8 on a Monday night. So, I reluctantly decide to have popcorn for dinner. That thought makes me unhappy. Then I look down at the Eatzi’s mailing, and pick it up to read it more closely. It is a gift certificate, and it says it’s for $20. Being the ultra-savvy and always-wary consumer that I am, I study the postcard for “the catch”. I assume “the catch” will be that I must spend a specified amount of money in order to get the $20…like, spend $20 and get $20 free. To my surprise, I see nothing. At this moment, my (now former) roommate arrives home, along with another friend of ours. She had received the same gift certificate, had used it, and verified that it was on the up and up. What are the chances that I would get a free $20 in prepared food on just the night when I most wanted it? Excited at the prospect of eating actual food for dinner instead of settling for popcorn, I bound out of the apartment, and on to Eatzi’s. What I chose from there to eat isn’t important, although I am pretty sure a Rotisserie chicken was involved, as well as an éclair, but what is important is that there was no "catch". In fact, when my total came up to less than $20 by $1.50 or so, the clerk at the register said that I had to pick another item to get it to $20, and then directed me to a few items that were $1.50 or so. I think I ended up owing $0.50. At this point, I can only assume that because Eatzi’s is new to the neighborhood, they are trying to draw in those that live in the area, and I am happy to have been part of their attempt.

February-March 2006
Having spent the previous 1-2 months marveling at the serendipity involved in the Eatzi’s mailing arriving in my moment of need, I start to think perhaps I should go back to Eatzi’s. After all, they did give me a free $20. However, I also have the strange feeling about the fact that going back is exactly what they want. To use an analogy that those of you that watch Deadliest Catch will understand, going back would make me like an Alaskan crab, captured after entering the pot to take the bait. Ok, that may be a bit of a stretch, but it would have made me feel like a bit of a sucker…going back would actually mean that they would make up some portion of the $20 they gave me, and would somehow cheapen the experience of being given $20 by a complete stranger at the perfect time. It would turn the $20 into a marketing scheme, where previously it was a thoughtful gift timed perfectly to deliver me from a night of mundane food and/or a trip to the grocery.
So, with that mindset as a backdrop, imagine my surprise to check the mail and find yet another $20 gift certificate! Same deal, no strings attached, $20 in free food. This strikes me as very strange, because if the first $20 was meant to whet my appetite and prompt a return visit, I’m not sure what the purpose of the second one would be. Even if I had fully intended to go back and spend more money there, I don't need to now, ‘cause I have another $20 of their cardboard money to spend. I decide I must have somehow landed on multiple mailing lists, and they failed to cross-check them. My roommate has NOT received a second Eatzi’s gift certificate, which seems to validate that theory. Either way, I happily return to Eatzi’s to spend my second $20, again overshooting the $20 by pocket change. I’m now up to $40 in free food. Good times.

Late Summer, 2006
Despite a lovely, fun-filled summer, hard times have struck our hero (me, of course). The roommate moved out towards the end of April, seeking greener pastures on the East coast, and creating a rent void that a suitable replacement was not found to fill. The company I worked for was sold in late July/early August, to a competitor that proceeded to pull a reverse-Corleone by making an offer that I can't accept. The unemployment line beckoned, and a tight budget on spending went into effect. Eatzi’s is a distant memory…until…not long after losing the job, another gift certificate arrives. If the first $20 seemed serendipitous, the third $20 almost seemed touching. $20 in free, prepared food at the time when the budget is most tight? Thoughts of mailing lists and serendipity fade to the background. This one seems more karmic, like the universe is giving back. This $20 is bigger than all of us. But, not so big that I can’t spend it…and spend it I do, happily bringing the total up to $60 in free stuff. The universe has nourished me in preparation for an extended job search.

Mid-November, 2006
After 3+ months of job searching, there is light at the end of the tunnel. A job offer has been received and accepted, and I am to start on the Monday after Thanksgiving. The prospect of receiving a salary and having a place to work brightens things considerably, and a Thanksgiving visit from my lovely girlfriend awaits. Not long before Thanksgiving, another $20 arrives from Eatzi’s. This time it is a holiday-related mailing, in a regular-sized envelope. Are you kidding me? What are these people thinking? I don’t spend a dime there, and they keep sending me money! Haven’t they ever heard that you shouldn’t throw good money after bad? Seriously, $20 is plenty to spend there in one visit. They do have wine and some other luxury food-type non-perishables, but $20/visit is plenty for a couple of days of food for a couple of people, so there’s really not much reason to spend more than that amount in a single trip. Do they really expect that I will spend enough money in-between the $20 mailings to make up for the $20 in free food? We’re up to $80! I’m not sure what the margins are in this business at all, but even if the actual food cost them little, there has to be a fairly decent amount of overhead at this place, as they seem to have a rather large number of employees, and occupy a fairly large space in a prime location. Even while wondering about their ability to survive, the girlfriend and I pay them a visit Thanksgiving weekend when we reach our limit of turkey consumption.

Mid-December, 2006
Although the holiday season is in full swing, most of my focus is on the new job, and the upcoming trip to Baltimore to meet the girlfriend’s family at Christmas. I have mentioned the generosity of Eatzi’s to several others, and by the time I find another gift certificate in the mail for yet another $20, it prompts a round of laughter-filled phone calls to give an update on the latest arrival. I guess $80 didn’t seem like a round enough figure to Eatzi’s, so they wanted to up the total to a cool Franklin. I hold on to the gift certificate in anticipation of my return (with girlfriend in tow) from the Christmas trip, and we use it in the week between Christmas and New Years. With the latest $20, I start to think about Eatzi’s as a sort of rich uncle, who doesn’t really know me but makes sure that his secretary sends a check for holidays and birthdays. The excitement at receiving these $20 gifts has subsided, and redeeming them has become akin to depositing the rich uncle’s check…after awhile, it doesn’t really seem thoughtful, it just seems routine. However, $20 is $20, and I dutifully visit and bring my total to $100 in food.

March, 2007
During the first 3 months of ’07, I sporadically consider visiting Eatzi’s. However, a pretty funny unintended-by-Eatzi’s effect of the repeated gift certificates has set in: I am reluctant to go back to visit and spend my own cash when it seems fairly likely that another $20 will show up at any moment. So, I find myself thinking, "I’d like to go to Eatzi’s, but I’ll just wait and see if a gift certificate shows up."
More than 3 months pass without anything arriving in the mail. There was that stretch of about 5-6 months in ’06 without Uncle Eatzi sending me a check, though, and it hasn't yet been that long this time around, so I vow to be patient. After what seems like months (because it had been), another one finally arrives. Excited, I immediately begin thinking that this gravy train will never reach the station, that I have somehow landed on a recurring list that will provide me with $20 in free food, periodically, for life. Alas, it seems Uncle Eatzi has either smartened up or is beginning to feel the cash crunch of all these $20 cardboard bills, because this gift certificate is still for $20, but only when you first purchase $20 in food. The saga has come full circle, back to the arrangement I originally expected to find when I read the fine print on the very first gift certificate I received. Uncle Eatzi has ordered the gravy train to stop. I refrain from using the latest gift certificate. There’s really no use for $40 worth of food in one trip from Eatzi’s for a single guy, even if that single guy is known to have a large appetite. While "buy $20, get $20 free" may seem like a generous offer to someone new to the mailing list, to me it feels like the end of an era.

Modern Day
When I look back on the calendar year of 2006, there are so many positive things to think about. 2006 was the year I quit smoking, the year I lost a job and found a better one, the year that I turned 30, and the year where a new relationship began. In many ways, though, it will always be the Year of the Eatzi’s. I think a lot about going back to Eatzi's, using my own cash for purchases. Would the food taste as good if I had to pay for it? Would it all seem so magical if it didn’t feel like a caper, like putting one over on ol’ Uncle Eatzi? Would it get me back on the Golden Mailing List if I used my credit card?
Maybe I’ll go tonight…or maybe I should wait for a few more days of mail, just in case.

The Perils of Franchising

2007-03-23T15:35:00.000-05:00

I visited a particular Quizno's location for the first time today, and the experience has now led me back here to post, despite months of inactivity. Two things having a blog has taught me: first, I apparently really enjoy writing/talking about fast food, and second, I apparently can't think of much else to write about, unless I'm in the mood to make a list.

Anyway, on to today's subject: franchises. Chains. Restaurant conglomerates. One of the things that makes a franchise successful is the reasonable expectation on the part of the customer that the experience you have had at all of the previous locations you've visited in a chain will be somewhat replicated if you choose to visit an unfamiliar location. This reasonable expectation is what makes people choose to exit the expressway to visit Cracker Barrel instead of Joe's Diner.

That choice makes a statement:
"I am hungry, I need to eat, and I KNOW what I can expect if I visit Cracker Barrel. It may not be great, but it's the safe choice. Joe's Diner may have the greatest Monte Cristo sandwich ever created by mankind, but I'm not willing to gamble on it, especially when losing that gamble means I may be throwing up in a gas station bathroom at the next rest stop. I'm also uncomfortable with the possibility of exposing my children to the circus freak waitress who works at Joe's Diner because Cracker Barrel had to let her go after 'the accident'."

Cracker Barrel offers security, and takes away some of the inevitable anxiety that one feels when facing an unknown. I may be in Podunk, Kentucky, but I know what to EXPECT when I walk into Cracker Barrel.
On some level, the same relative feelings of comfort are what greet us when we visit any large national chain. Say what you want about McDonald's, for example, but they are masters of providing a consistent experience across each and every location. Most of the big burger chains are pretty good at this, if not quite as consistent as McDonald's. On the other hand (finally bringing this back to today's experience), the sub chains have a little tougher time.

I have no evidence or facts to back this up, but it seems clear to me that the investment required to open a sub shop such as Quizno's or Subway is much lower, and that fact lends to wildly inconsistent experiences from store to store. Very likely the owners of some of these sub shops are running a restaurant for the first time, and while the raw materials they are working with may be the same, the end result can be different in enough subtle ways to make for an entirely less enjoyable visit. I've further noticed that many of the Quizno's shops seem to be run by a husband-wife team, often in a configuration where the wife is making the sub and the husband is manning the register. Yup, that's right ladies, in Quizno's world, I'm afraid you're still stuck in the kitchen while the man handles the cash.

Anyhow, today I decided to seek out a Quizno's. I was anxious to have a Classic Italian sub, as I hadn't had occasion to visit Quizno's since changing jobs (probably4 months or so), and there are no Quizno's that are extremely close, but I had a bit of extra time at lunch today on a rare less-than-really-busy day. I like Classic Italians, and I like generally like Quizno's. Both of my previous work locations had a Quizno's location extremely close by, and both had very friendly owners that came to recognize me over the time I worked there, so I've had pretty good luck in the past.

The Quizno's I visited today (at the intersection of Lincoln and McCormick on the northern edge of the city, for those that may ever happen to be in the area) seemed to be in good shape upon first walking in. It was clean, there was one table of people there who seemed not to be miserable, and there was the requisite husband-and-wife team ready to take my order. Surely they will be friendly, I thought, because I will be friendly to them, I am a new face, and they will want my repeat business (especially since there was no line, just after noon, which should have tipped me off). So, I placed my order of a regular Classic Italian, no tomatoes, on wheat. The wife stood still and looked at me blankly. I looked at the husband to see if I missed something, like perhaps I started at the wrong side of the counter. Nope, he's not giving any indication of anything out of the ordinary. So, I smiled at the wife awkwardly. I'm not sure what was holding her back, but my awkward smile appeared to spring her into action. Good, thought I, I can move on to selecting my salty snack.

As I moved along the counter, it became clear to me that this Quizno's had woeful chip selection. My usual dilemma at Quizno's is between Sun Chips and Ms. Vickies Jalapeno chips, both of which are stocked at virtually every Quizno's location in Chicagoland, except, apparently, for this one. There were only Cheetos, Baked Lays, and Doritos. I finally settled on Baked Lays. I don't really like them, but neither Doritos or Cheetos seemed like they would properly accentuate my Classic Italian sub, and Baked Lays are more of a neutral selection. With chips in hand, I proceed to the register.

Now I'm on to my first interaction (other than the earlier blank stare) with the husband, who asks me if I want chips and a drink. I have the chips in my hand. I realize he is really asking me if I want a combo, but for fuck sake, I'm holding chips already! Despite the obviousness of the chips, I just say yes, politely. Perhaps he has just fallen into the rhythm of asking that question. Benefit of doubt given. He rings me up, I pay, and he gives me a cup. On to the soda fountain while my sub is being prepared.

Because I am clearly watching my caloric intake closely, I select a Diet soda. As the cup fills, I can see that the stream looks slightly lighter than the proper color. Not clear, which would indicate a lack of syrup entirely, but definitely not that familiar cola-while-dispensing color we all know and love. (Side note: McDonald's is the MASTER of controlling the perfect mix of syrup-to-soda water across locations) I figure I will stick with it, because I am not in the mood for the prohibitive sweetness of a regular cola. I go to grab a lid, and proceed with affixing it to my cup. I realize as I am affixing said lid that I have in fact grabbed two, so I set one aside while proceeding with affixing the other. Much to my surprise, the husband suddenly appears next to me, grabs the lid, and puts it back in the stack! Wow! That guy moved like lightning! He clearly did NOT like the possibility that I would have thrown away the lid. Very strange. I mean, I didn't see it because I was focused on my cup, but he must have literally BURST out from behind the counter to grab that lid. It was a good 5-6 steps away! Wow. He goes back behind the counter, and after I grab my napkins and turn around, he says, "your sub, sir!" and reaches it out over the counter. I don't really have a free hand at this point, but I deftly transfer the napkins into the same hand as the drink and proceed to grab the sub. I put the drink and napkins down at a table, and proceed to my favorite part of the Quizno's Experience: The Pepper Bar.

Immediately, my excitement is dashed by the conspicuous lack of my favorite Chicagoland-Quizno's Pepper feature--the giardiniera. For those of you unfamiliar with this Chicagoland favorite, check this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giardiniera. I love giardiniera, and I especially love that at Quizno's, I can put an almost unreasonably massive amount on my sub. For some reason, this Quizno's does not carry it. All is not lost, however, because there is still jalapeno, and I will substitute that, as well as the standard pickles, which are key as well. As I begin to pile them on, I look up for the briefest of moments to find that the owner-husband is now glaring at me. G-l-a-r-i-n-g. At first I think he's still pissed about the lid incident, but I see him look down at my sub and back at me with a look that I can only interpret as an attempt to stare me off of adding any more pickles and peppers. Undeterred, I continue to add until there is a thick layer of both across my sub. Through this process I also realize that my sub seemed on the small side. You know how there's usually a slightly bigger half and a slightly smaller half after they slice it? This one seemed to have two of the smaller halves.

Finally, I sit down and begin eating my sub. It's ok. I can only assume that they either don't have their toaster turned to a high enough temperature, or the wife pulled it out before it really got all the way through, which is curious given that there was no one waiting behind me. Oh well. It's still edible. I begin to think this all through: limited chip selection, possible low temp on the toaster, low syrup mix on the Diet soda (this was confirmed after tasting), insane protectiveness over the lids, lack of proper pepper selection for regional location, and the glaring anger by the owner over my liberal use of peppers and pickles: this guy is running this place on a shoestring budget, and they are cutting corners as much as possible while still calling themselves Quizno's. It's a shame, because all together, it ruined the experience. If you can't provide the full package, don't provide it at all--and chances are, the customers will make that choice easy for you. I doubt this location will stay in business long.

As I finish my sub, I look up, and again, the owner seems to be eyeing me. I think he senses my disappointment, and I think he knows that I know he's running this place on the cheap, and I think that makes him even more angry. The thought crosses my mind to get up, go fill one of the small to-go containers at the pepper bar with pickles, and sit back down and eat them one by one, dropping them into my mouth like a king is fed grapes. I resist (I seriously wonder if that would have put this guy over the edge), but the thought brings a smile to my face none-the-less. I throw my waste away and head on out of there, remembering to beware of the false security of the sub shop franchise.

Tips for the Freshly Employed

2006-12-23T01:34:00.000-06:00

So, you have a new job. What now? Here's a helpful set of tips to remember as you set forth with a new employer:
1. Tell them you have kids
Kids are an automatic "get out of work free" card. Feel like cutting out early? The kid pulled something at school and you have to meet with the principal. Feel like an extra hour of sleep? The kid was sick and you needed a bit of extra time to make arrangements. Those of you with children...I realize it's a lot of work. Waiting until you have kids to use these excuses is too late, since you'll actually have to take care of these things. Now's the time. Be smart about this! Suggested story: They are children from a previous marriage, you were young and stupid, and now you have partial custody, and they are of varying ages. Additional tip: feel like your compensation is somewhat lacking? These kids make for great "fundraising" opportunities. Get yourself a box of candy bars, and sell them for your kid's "Little League". One fictional girl and one fictional boy would be perfect...and make sure these fictional kids are involved in a LOT of extra curriculars, and roll out the fundraisers every few months or so. Instant quarterly bonus program!
2. Give yourself the full compliment of extended family members
They may have passed along, but they're still here in spirit, and as far as your employer should know, they're still living and they're somewhere not-very-close by. Anytime you need a few days off, but don't feel like using your vacation, well...you know what to do. Some might think that this is in poor taste, but I guarantee that your Grandma and Grandpa wouldn't have wanted you to be limited to your allotment of vacation and sick days. The key to this whole thing is all in laying the groundwork long before you ever need to actually go to it...strategic comments about having spoken to your Grandma the night before while enjoying lunch with co-workers, etc., are key to provide context for later on.
3. Determine who drives the same way as you, plan accordingly
You're going to need to use a traffic excuse at some point when you walk in a few minutes late, having forgotten you had a meeting. Knowing who drives the same way as you is key, so that you know when to pull this one out and when it will be disasterous.
4. Make friends with the IT guys
Yes, they help keep your computer up and functioning, and yes, they are likely going to be able to help you with countless things related to your job. Even more importantly, you're going to need someone on the "inside" in case the company ever decides to monitor your internet/e-mail usage. Just as Vito Corleone's vast network of senators, congressman, and judges made running rackets possible, these moles will give you the info you need to do your websurfing unencumbered by company policy.
5. Do not share your blog address with co-workers
This blog post alone makes this tip obvious, but really, who will give you more fodder for your blog than your co-workers? Keeping them blissfully unaware will allow full artistic freedom.

This should be enough to get you on your way. I'm sure my faithful (if you're still checking this after the latest layoff, you're definitely faithful) readers will be happy to give you additional tips by making comments below.

You May Say I'm a Dreamer

2006-08-09T18:54:00.000-05:00

It's been about a month and a half now since I blew past the three decade mark on this here orb. I considered a post wherein I would wax poetic about my twenties, and I considered a post wherein I would detail all of the different reasons I'm lucky to be out of my twenties. I thought about a "funny things that happened in my twenties that few people know about" post, which I still may do, without the limitation of my twenties. I just haven't been in the right frame of mind to write about those topics, and I think it's because I have been more occupied with looking forward than with looking back. Even at my newly advanced age, there are still a few dreams left to fulfill.

I have always wanted to be at a wedding that gets called off at the last minute. I don't want to be too involved, definitely not in the wedding party or anything, and I don't want it to be anyone that I really care about (how's that for a disclaimer?). I just want to be a lowly member of the audience (being there as a plus one as a favor for a friend would be ideal), but definitely in a crowd that the father of the bride or best man has to go up in front of at the church or wherever and announce, "um, thanks to everyone for coming, but the wedding is off." The buzz of conversation swirling around the church, the awkward moments where everyone tries to decide what to do with themselves, and even (in a best case scenario) a pseudo-reception where everyone still gets blitzed because the folks that are footing the bill didn't want to see all of their non-refundable money go down the drain...the atmosphere would be electric. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I root for this to happen, but everytime I sit down in a pew and await a wedding ceremony, there is a part of me that wonders if it will happen, and I get an excited feeling in the pit of my stomach at the prospect. I do realize that this makes me a horrible person, at least in this context, and I know it would be one of the worst days of someones life that I have at least a vague connection to. I wouldn't wish it on most people specifically. Knowing all of that does not prevent the excited feeling in the pit of my stomach. My sister, after hearing about my little fantasy, once said to watch out, because it could turn out to be my wedding that gets called off. If any sort of karmic or ironic principles hold true, my wedding certainly would be a prime opportunity for the universe to prove a point. After reading this, perhaps those of you who are kind enough to attend my wedding to the-girl-of-my-dreams will get that excited, suspense-filled feeling in your stomach, too.

I don't know what it will take, but I want very badly to get jury duty. Obviously, jury duty is something most people avoid like the plague, even lie to get out of. This saddens me deeply, because these people don't realize that there are others out there who would love to be in their position, but for whatever reason, have not been blessed with the opportunity. I don't want to be part of just any jury, either. I want to reach the peak of the jury duty mountain. I want to be sequestered. Being sequestered seems like it would be fun. First of all, being sequestered means getting a lot of free food, and someone else has to go get it for you. It gives you a nice long break from your job, who can't fire you for being away. You're not allowed to watch the news, so you don't have to concern yourself with the problems of the day. You're not allowed to talk to people about the case, which would be fun, because pretty much all anyone would want to talk to you about would be the case. So, when you get your phone calls from your loved ones, I imagine the conversations would go like this: "Sorry, I can't discuss that. I CAN, however, talk about what you're going to do tomorrow. Oh, you're going to the beach with Billy? HE'S GOING TO FRY in all that sunshine, so please make sure he wears plenty of sunscreen, or HE'S GOING TO FRY. Talk to you tomorrow!" When the trial is over, and the jury is deliberating, it would be fun to just take the opposite side of whatever seems to be the prevailing opinion. No need to rush to judgement, you know? What's the big hurry? Just because some guy's life is hanging in the balance doesn't mean I should go back to work tomorrow. I mean, his life will still be in the balance in the morning. Can't it wait? Besides, the way I see it, someone should always play devil's advocate, just to make sure all of these jurors have their heads screwed on straight. The ideal situation would entail a trial for a Mafia kingpin or the like, because chances are good that bribes would be offered to a juror such as myself. A lottery-style payout in order to hang the jury? At your service. (It's comments like that that will keep this dream from actually happening. I'll give you each a cut of my payoff if you keep quiet later should it become necessary to delete this post. Okay? Okay.)

I would like to have a urinal in the bathroom at home. Urinals are so convenient and easy to use, and so prevalent in public places, yet completely unheard of in the home. Unfortunately, the bathrooms in my current place would not be very conducive to a urinal, due to space constraints. I suppose I could remove the toilet in one of my bathrooms and replace it with a urinal, but I'd like the option of the regular toilet and the urinal in each bathroom. The only drawback would be the necessity of keeping a stock of urinal cakes on hand, but I think that's a small price to pay for not really having to aim.

I think I'd make a really good television executive, with control over programming decisions and scheduling. I tend to have a good sense of which shows are going to be popular (even if I don't like them), and which shows will fall flat on their face (even if I do like them). I would be open to creative and off-the-beaten-path sort of ideas, but my tastes aren't so far out there that I'd be out of touch with mainstream America. My sense of TV history is solid, so I have a good knowledge of what has worked and what hasn't, and would heed the lessons of TV business past. Here's the problem: I don't really want to live in LA or New York, and I imagine most if not all jobs at networks with original programming would be in one of those two areas. Also, I have a feeling you have to have a background in TV in order to get hired in that capacity, or work your way up from the bottom. Sounds like a a hassle. I would much prefer that they just hand me the job and see what I can do. Want a resume? My resume is my good taste, f-ers! Hire me and watch the advertising revenues pour in.

It's that simple. Four things that would make my fourth decade here a happy one. There are other things that I could add in--owning a monkey, for instance--but I have to leave something for later on in life. So, if you're invited with a guest to a wedding that you think might be on shaky ground, or if you happen to know someone that can get my name in that jury pool, or can provide me the name of a cheap-yet-reliable urinal supplier/bathroom remodeler, or if you're thinking of starting a TV network but don't trust your judgement on what will be popular...simply add a comment below to fill me in, sit back, and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you're making dreams come true.

Guilty Pleasures

2006-07-28T11:17:00.000-05:00

I've recently discovered a new TV station. For those of you in Chicago that may have it, it is WWME-TV, aka Me TV, and I'll be damned if they aren't right. TV for me is exactly what it is, an entire TV station built on the philosophy of airing the cheapest available syndicated programming. You won't find shows like Scrubs that are just now hitting the lottery and making a big splash with the first stages of syndication, and you won't even find shows like Cheers, Roseanne, or The Cosby Show that are now staples on Nick at Nite. (Speaking of which, remember when Nick at Nite aired things like Donna Reed, Car 54 Where Are You, and Mr. Ed? Remember how old those shows seemed? Uh, yeah...now they are airing the Cosby Show. Don't think that a 10 year old kid watching Nick at Nite today doesn't see the Cosby Show the same way we used to see Donna Reed. SCARY)

Me TV is all about the cheap stuff, which means you get some lower level classics that you won't see anywhere else anymore. The lineup includes The Brady Bunch, The Monkees, The Partridge Family, Good Times, The Munsters, I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, All in the Family, The Jeffersons, Sanford and Son, Fantasy Island, Love Boat, and they're even doing a Green Hornet marathon this weekend. I love that there's still a place somewhere on the air for these shows...hell, these are the shows that were in heavy syndication when I was a kid. I bring up Me TV not just for the benefit of those in Chicago that will prosper from the knowledge of its existence, but also because Me TV has reminded me how much I love Facts of Life.

When I discovered Me TV, of all the shows on their schedule that I love, Facts of Life is the one show for which I immediately set a TiVo season pass. It's generally the first thing I watch when I get home from work, as they air an episode at 4 pm every day during the week, and when I get home, there's always one waiting for me. Currently, the rerun schedule has us in about 1982, which places us clear of that strange first season when there were about 100 girls (including Molly Ringwald) in the cast and Tootie was on rollerskates the entire time, into the period when the show had found its formula and the girls were working in the cafeteria for Mrs. Garrett. In other words, the best seasons of the show...and I can't get enough of it. Loving Facts of Life isn't necessarily something you publicize if you want people to think you have good taste, making it a prime example of the title of this post: guilty pleasures. I've decided to come clean with some guilty pleasures with this post, in honor of my recent rediscovery of Facts of Life. This post is dedicated to Charlotte Rae and the girls, besides Mindy Cohn.

Guilty Pleasures

Section 1: Music
1. Meat Loaf, especially "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)"
It doesn't get much guiltier than this, but there are some classic unintentionally funny lines in this song, such as "Will you hose me down with holy water if I get too hot?", and Meat Loaf is just sincere enough to put a smile on my face despite the fact that everything he does is completely over the top.
2. Bonnie Tyler, "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
How do I know this qualifies as a guilty pleasure? If it comes on in the car, I immediately make sure the windows are up while at the same time turning up the volume. I wouldn't want to ruin my well-earned hard ass reputation by letting those around me on the expressway hear me listening to this song. On the other hand, I question the humanity of anyone that's never felt the urge to sing "every now and then I fall apart" at the top of their lungs along with Ms. Tyler.
3. Goo Goo Dolls
Deep down, I know this band sucks, yet I like some of their songs anyway, and always have. I can't figure it out myself. I think Name is a really solid song, and Slide and Iris are both ballads that would be remembered more fondly by those of my generation if they had been recorded in the 80's by Poison (80's rock ballads do not count as a guilty pleasure because everyone likes them). I've even seen this band live, at the strangest concert event I've ever attended...a show put on by the good folks at Parliament (the cigarette, not the form of government or funk band). It was at the Vic Theater, and was exclusively for Parliament smokers, with tickets only available to those that were on their mailing list. Whoever said those Smoker Sign Up things at the bars don't pay off clearly didn't happen to be both a Parliament smoker AND a Goo Goo Dolls fan. Anyway, two tickets for free, food included (which was catered and pretty good), alcohol was cheap...a couple of bucks a beer, I think. In case you're wondering, the show was good. Just like listening to their recordings, but right there in person! All it took was about 10 years of Parliament smoking to get those tickets, meaning for every $10,000 or so that I spend on their product, I got a free concert out of the deal. Hell, that's more than Basic does for their customers! I digress, but it should be noted, for those keeping track, I'm closing in on the big 6 month mark with nary a cigarette.
4. The Carpenters
Yes, the Carpenters. It feels so good getting that off my chest. Please beat me senseless now.

Section 2: Film
1. The Mighty Ducks, and any movie that follows the Bad News Bears formula
Take a bunch of misfit kids, a coach with demons to conquer, and throw them together in virtually any sport, and you've got yourself a movie that I will like. The original Bad News Bears is undeniably my favorite, but can't be considered a guilty pleasure. The guilty pleasures would be those that followed the formula: Mighty Ducks, Hard Ball (this is the baseball/kids movie with Keanu Reeves, set right here in Chicago), and Little Giants (with the small twist of Rick Moranis being the coach who always lived in the shadow of his tougher older brother). The one major sport that I can't remember getting this formula's treatment is basketball. Hmmm. I'd better get on that.
2. Sling Blade (as a comedy only)
I love Sling Blade, but feel it is misfiled on the video racks. As a drama, it is critically acclaimed and would not be a guilty pleasure. The voice ("mmm-hmmm"), the language ("french fried pertaters"), the facial expression, the clothes...Billy Bob created a live-action cartoon. He's a white trash rural idiot, and the film plays to me the same way as an SNL sketch-turned-feature-length comedy. There is a long-standing love of these types of people in this country...hell, if the character was religious, America would elect him President. Don't agree that this is a guilty pleasure? Try watching it with someone that loves it as a drama and laugh throughout.
3. Godfather, Part 3
Alright, so it didn't completely live up to the standards of the first two films. Yes, it's true that Sofia Coppola was no Meryl Streep. I still feel like this movie had a lot to say. The biggest reason people reject this film is because the Micheal character isn't the same person he was in the first two films (some find that unbelievable), but the struggle he is going through to come to terms with his past is precisely what makes this a great film. Of COURSE he's not the same person. This is a rare film because it shows the emotional toll that that sort of life will take as the years fade away, as well as featuring a major plot about religious corruption and a character's struggle with religious belief and mortality. This shouldn't be a guilty pleasure, but has become one simply because anytime the subject of the Godfather Trilogy comes up, someone is bound to say, "except for 3, 3 sucked", at which point I will be forced to mentally decide whether to argue for it.

Section 3: Television
1. Facts of Life
Take the good or the bad (go ahead, take 'em both), and there you have it...a great show. This is a guilty pleasure mostly because of the fact that the stars are all women (perhaps this belonged on the list at the end of my Vanity Fair post), but also because it tended to be full of "very special" episodes, hammy acting, and stayed on the air until it was absolutely awful, which tainted the public memory. None of the girls are particularly attractive (is Lisa Welchel as Blair the least attractive person ever to play someone that's supposedly extraordinarily attractive?), so I can't even use the Wonder Woman excuse (aka "I watch it 'cause the chicks are hot"). I have no defense, I just like it.
2. Laguna Beach
I don't know what it is, but if there is an episode of Laguna Beach on, and I happen to notice, I am drawn to it like a Southerner to stupidity. This often becomes problematic, because they are generally aired in blocks of 4 or 6, so I'm stuck for hours watching teen melodrama. Oh, how I love teen melodrama. 15 years ago I might have been able to get away with the Wonder Woman excuse for this show, but these girls are 17 and I'm newly minted 30, which even makes me uncomfortable. I don't want "guilty pleasure" to turn into an R. Kelly verdict.
3. Alf
Alf was funny, dammit! Currently, I am unaware of any channel that is re-running Alf, and that's too bad. I would even settle for the Alf and Alf Tales cartoons (you will recall that the Alf cartoon provided the backstory of the Alf character on Melmac, prior to coming to Earth, and Alf Tales had the inexplicable, yet somehow compelling premise taking the characters from the Alf cartoon and placing them in versions of fairy/folk tales). Even back then, I knew Alf was a bit corny...I'd be curious to see how the show seems now. I do recall the Alf sitcom being aired constantly in Germany when I visited, so perhaps there it is not just a guilty pleasure. Not sure it would be worth buying on DVD, but maybe I'll petition Me TV to start airing it.

Section 4: Miscellaneous People and Things
1. Mandy Moore
I thought about putting Chasing Liberty on the above list of movies, but it's really Mandy Moore I'm smitten with. Perhaps her turn on Entourage as Vince's first love has rendered my crush on her a guilty pleasure no more, but I can't help mentioning her anyway.
2. Liquid Cheese
It has recently come to my attention that there are those out there that find cheese in liquid form to be some lesser form of cheese. I'm speaking here, of course, of the type of cheese that you will find in the molded plastic along with tortilla chips when you order nachos at a ballpark or arena. Sure, it's full of chemicals and is completely unhealthy, but the only bad thing about liquid cheese is that it tends to run out before whatever it is you're putting it on. Order a cheese dog, and unless it's self-serve on the liquid cheese, you can expect a shortage of cheese in the cheese/hot dog ratio. Since many of you are now vomiting at that thought, I'll move along.
3. Andy Rooney
There are plenty of people out there that love Andy Rooney, but not many are 30+ years away from collecting social security. My Grandma would be proud...I recall her having Andy Rooney's books as far back as the early 80's, and I liked his brand of humorous commentary even then. I think a big reason I like Andy Rooney is that I will probably end up just like him minus the grand stage, gathering the grandchildren around to gripe about the problems of the day. (I really do wonder why Andy Rooney doesn't get much credit as an influence...there are plenty of comedians that have a similar approach, including Jerry Seinfeld)
4. Karaoke
There's no one that reads this regularly that doesn't already know that I like Karaoke (although it just now strikes me that it has been years since I've actually done it). Even though I've been out of the proverbial closet for years on this topic, it remains a guilty pleasure because I know it is lame and I continue to like it anyway.

Well, I think that about covers it. Feel free to toss any of your own guilty pleasures (or to agree with one of mine, if that's at all possible) in the comment section...you'll feel better about yourself afterwards, I promise.

They're Called Toppings for a Reason

2006-05-24T19:40:00.000-05:00

Another of those random thoughts posts...

1) The onset of good weather means I listen to entirely different music. Some music just doesn't sound very good in the winter, and vice versa. Listening to the Dead in December just doesn't feel right, but for some reason, sunshine means I'm apt to dust off American Beauty and give it a listen. Other "summer" bands, at least for me, include: Allman Brothers, Black Crowes, some Petty albums (especially Wildflowers), Bob Marley, Lucinda Williams, and most songs that would appear on one of those Super Hits of the 70's: Have a Nice Day compilations (Indiana Wants Me, Drift Away, Cover of the Rolling Stone, and perhaps the best example, Summertime by Mungo Jerry). That music just sounds WRONG in the winter...I mean, listening to Marley sing Three Little Birds just doesn't resonate when it's 20 degrees outside. There are bands for that kind of weather: Mazzy Star, almost anything from the grunge era, and most singer-songwriter driven works from the 70's (Billy Joel, Carole King, Joni Mitchell). I can't imagine Mazzy Star is very popular in California, and I can't imagine the Dead are very popular in the Siberia, but I suppose I could be wrong.

2) Anyone that reads this blog and finds it even mildly entertaining should check out the work of Chuck Klosterman. I'm just finishing up Fargo Rock City, which was his first published book, but the third that I've read. If you were at all a fan of 80's metal (or glam rock), this is the masterwork on the subject. His other two published works are Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, which is a collection of essays on pop culture, and Killing Yourself to Live, which is a road story of sorts where he visits sites of famous rock star deaths. He's hilarious, insightful, and weaves interesting language on top of it. I've long considered Vonnegut and Hunter S. Thompson to be my two favorite writers, and I'm starting to think there might need to be room for a third.
Here's a great recent essay from Esquire that touches on text messaging and TiVo:
Invention's New Mother
Here's a link to archives of some of his SPIN magazine columns:
SPIN.com Chuck Klosterman archives
and here's some of his writing for ESPN.com:
ESPN.com Chuck Klosterman archives

3) What's up with places that put burger toppings UNDER the patty? Pickles, Ketchup, Lettuce, Onions...these things belong on top of the burger, dammit! Culver's does this, and they make a damn fine burger, but something about the burger doesn't FLOW right when you put that stuff in between the patty and the bottom bun. There's a little burger/beef/hot dog place by my apartment that has a 2 cheeseburger and fries special for 3.95 (4.30 after tax), and they also make a fine burger, yet put the toppings on the bottom. They're called toppings for a reason. They go on top. I will not entertain the argument that I should just turn the burger over if I don't like it, either, because the cheese is still on top of the patty (and putting THAT underneath would be even more confusing to the taste buds), and the bun is specifically constructed in such a way that there is a clear top and a clear bottom. Hell, we CALL them the "top bun" and "bottom bun". I'm tempted to ask these places to put the toppings on top where they belong, but I'm afraid that would be akin to actually ordering spit on my burger. Perhaps a sarcastic remark at Culver's such as, "what do you guys use for bottomings again? Lettuce, tomato, pickles, and mayo?" will scratch that itch without prompting retributive action from Joe Grill Guy. Think I'll ever get through one of these Random Thoughts posts without somehow discussing fast food?

4) Driving home (inbound) on the Eisenhower Expressway is quite an olfactory tour. Hillside means putrid industrial smells of indeterminate origin. By the time I get to Harlem Ave, on happy days, the Ferrara Pan factory treats the area to the unmistakable smell of Lemonheads (still can't figure out why the air never smells like Atomic Fireballs on other days). Somewhere in between Harlem and the circle interchange there must be a large bakery, because a few days a week the smell of fresh bread is quite prominent. This time of year, the ramp from 290 to Lower Wacker means a quick but quite pleasant burst of lilac, as there are lilac bushes planted all around that area. Finally, after scooting through Lower Wacker Blues Brothers-style and heading north on Lakeshore Drive, the scent of the air off the lake takes over. I know it sounds cliche, but having a renewed sense of smell has been a pleasant side effect of quitting smoking...I always noticed the Lemonheads smell, but not so much the others back in the smoking days, lo those many months ago.

5) Why does any news broadcast that gives the result of the American Idol voting suddenly see fit to attempt social commentary by comparing the amount of votes cast to those cast in a Presidential election? Just this morning, I learned from the "news" that 63 million votes were cast, and that the gray haired guy won (I quit watching the show a few seasons ago when I realized that I absolutely hated every second that I watched it), and that the 63 million votes were more than any Presidential election. Well, no shit. You can vote for American Idol by dialing an 800 number, and you can vote as many times as possible in the 2 hours after the show airs. You can also vote via text message if you're on Cingular. Furthermore, you can vote if you're a 12 year old girl, an age and gender which probably is responsible for 10 million of the 63 million votes. We all know that Americans are not as participatory as they should be in this democracy, but trying to compare American Idol voting to a Presidential election is a cheap shot. It's like comparing the number of McDonald's customers to C-Span viewers. It essentially means nothing as there is no basis for comparison, yet somehow has become a "valid" comparison to make by supposed credible news sources. Are they arguing that elections should mimic the American Idol model of democracy? Let it go. It's a popular show, but its popularity says nothing about our political system.

If NKOTB Had Changed the World

2006-05-11T00:42:00.000-05:00

The other night I watched the 1988 documentary Imagine: John Lennon. It's a really compelling film that for some reason I hadn' t watched before...tons of footage from private collections, great interviews, etc., etc. It didn't really break any new info to me, as I have read and watched volumes on the Beatles over the years, but something struck me about watching the early footage of the Beatles stadium shows or tv appearances (you know the footage...where they couldn't hear themselves play over the constant insane screaming of young mostly female fans) that hadn't really crossed my mind before.

It is virtually impossible for any of us that were not of the proper age to experience the beginning, middle, and end of the Beatles as a band to understand what it would have been like. It is simply not even close to the same thing to discover the Beatles in retrospect, without living through the evolution of the band. I'm not saying we (meaning people my age) can't have some sense of historical perspective...some understanding of the time frame of various Beatles periods and what was going on in their lives and the world around them, and appreciate their music as a part of an era as well as flat-out GREAT MUSIC. I just don't think we'll ever know what it FELT like as it was happening. We've all watched the great bands of our times mature and take on different forms, but what went down with the Beatles is just incomprehensible to me. I'm not even sure, if am to be honest, that I could have taken the Beatles seriously enough if I had lived through those early days to ever appreciate what they became. To have been a Beatles fan from beginning to end, you had some transforming to do.

Back to the footage for a second, and perhaps I can bring this back to the point of what I'm talking about. While watching the footage of that first appearance on Ed Sullivan, or the Shea Stadium show, obviously the thing that stands out is the bizarre levels of ecstacy (the emotion, not the drug) involved in the screaming by teenage girls at these 4 moderately decent looking guys playing those early Love Me Do-type songs. It's crazy. The girls are shaking. It makes no sense. I began to formulate blog thoughts on that topic, thinking that crazed screaming of that magnitude amongst teenage girls in the early 60's is unrelatable to our times. Except that it isn't. For girls in my age group, it was New Kids on the Block that caused that kind of commotion. (Before any of you argue...I'm not pointing fingers...most of the girls I know probably wouldn't have done that. But that kind of thing DID go on at those shows). Watch footage of 'NSync or the Backstreet Boys, you'll find the same sort of screaming. The Beatles, in the Love Me Do era, were a "boy band".

Now you're probably starting to see where I'm headed with this, because once that realization hit me, I began to think of the Beatles differently. The Beatles went from being a boy band, playing meaningless pop ditties to legions of screaming girls, to becoming an important force of cultural change. A BOY BAND grew up and made Sgt Pepper, the White Album, Revolver, Rubber Soul, Abbey Road, Let it Be...A BOY BAND. For my age group, try to get your mind around New Kids on the Block, after releasing Hangin' Tough in 1988, going on to release Achtung Baby, Nevermind, Ten, Automatic for the People, and Blood Sugar Sex Magik(please don't quibble about the list...these are just some seminal album names that popped in my head from my high school years). Imagine 'NSync transforming into a band that makes important, profound, BRILLIANT music, then breaking up and continuing to do that as individual artists. Imagine Joey Fatone making a record as brilliant as All Things Must Pass. Imagine Lance Bass forming a new band with his wife and recording a song as good as Maybe I'm Amazed. Imagine Justin Timberlake writing Imagine. It's f-ing mindblowing. I can't even imagine living in a world where Imagine hadn't already been written. As fascinated as I am with the music of the decades prior to my birth, I'm quite sure that no matter how much I try to put it all in the proper context, there is just no way to really know the experience of being alive as that music was released.

Liquor in the Front

2006-05-03T17:53:00.000-05:00

John's Scale of Incomprehensible Popularity (Ascending Order):

1 The Da Vinci Code
2 Lower Back Tattoos
3 Atlanta, GA
4 NASCAR
5 Fox News Channel
6 Ashlee Simpson
7 24 (as in the Kiefer Sutherland vehicle, not the number itself)
8 New Country Music (and the radio stations that play this format)
9 The Theory of Intelligent Design
10 Texas Hold'em Poker

(I should note that by "incomprehensibly" popular I do not mean that I don't understand how the listed items may have become somewhat popular in the first place, just that I cannot fathom how they became as popular as they did. DaVinci Code is a perfect example. Sure, I've read it. Not bad. A nice, entertaining read. But the HARDCOVER has been on the New York Times Best Seller list for 161 weeks now! It just fell to #11, mostly because the paperback just came out 4 weeks ago, and that's #1 on the paperbacks list. After 3 years, hasn't everyone read this damn thing? If not, can't they just borrow a copy from the 50 people they know that have one, or buy one of the half a million that are probably being sold at used book stores?)

The scale above likely has already illustrated what I am about to say, but I'll go ahead and say it anyway: enough with Texas Hold'em Poker. Of all the things listed above, Texas Hold'em has the unique distinction of being the only item on the scale of which I would once have considered myself a fan. Certainly part of the reason I'm particularly sick of it is the age-old effect that occurs when anything you think is cool suddenly becomes insanely popular, but it also has to do with the fact that the corresponding decline in the popularity of poker should have already happened.

The history of the rise of Texas Hold'em pretty much goes back to the 2003 World Series of Poker, when Chris Moneymaker turned a $39 entry fee in a small tournament into the $2.5 million World Series of Poker Championship. It wasn't the first time World Series of Poker was on ESPN...I can remember watching the World Series of Poker (at least the final table, which is all they used to air) long before that tournament. However, they expanded the coverage quite a bit that year, and with the great everyman sort of underdog story, coupled with the fact that they re-ran it for a full year at all hours, it created a lot of new poker fans that were thinking to themselves, "if he can do it...", which is precisely what ESPN was hoping for. By the next WSOP they went wall-to-wall with the coverage, and the high ratings meant other cable channels followed suit with their own poker shows, and the expanded viewership meant tons of new players for new multitudes of online sites, expanded poker rooms at the casinos, and about a million new suckers from which the professionals could now make their living. Fox Sports Channel alone would probably be off the air right now if not for the poker boom, at least in Chicago. They lost the rights to all the major teams in this city to Comcast Sports Net, leaving them with nothing to air but Best Damn Sports Show Period (which isn't) and endless poker show re-runs. I can't figure out how they actually survive other than the fact that people must be watching these poker shows as often as they can re-run them. I miss the good ol' early days of ESPN when a cable sports outlet having nothing to air meant they filled the slots with such cheap yet entertaining programming as World's Strongest Man, Australian Rules Football, and Sumo wrestling.

I just don't get why it hasn't died down by now. I mean, poker is fun. I like to play with friends here and there. I prefer other table games in Vegas, but I understand the strategy of poker, and I realize that there is always someone better than I am. What amazes me is that every asshole thinks he's got it all figured out. They're all Chris Moneymakers now. No one thinks they're the sucker at the table. Guys that can barely think their way out of a paper bag are acting like they can calculate odds in their heads, as if every time they lose a hand it was because someone else got lucky. Memo to Joe Poker: If you're not smart enough to realize that chances are very good that someone at the table is smarter than YOU, then you probably deserve to lose the money you're about to lose. I realize that you're excruciatingly bored with your existence, but it's time to find something else to pass the time, some other way to blow all the money that you don't know what to do with in the first place.

When the dust all settles, and all the suckers have been taken for all they can be taken for, there will only be 3 or 4 guys left with any money to play poker anyway, and they'll all be in the Bill Gates tax bracket. I'm thinking this might actually be a good thing, as the resulting lack of disposable income for the rest of these guys will probably wipe out at least a few other things on the list that started this post.

Choosing the Right Donuts (A Guide to Office Harmony)

2006-04-18T01:11:00.000-05:00

I'm not a breakfast guy. Or, perhaps more accurately stated, I'm not a "get up long enough before I need to leave for work to have time to eat" guy. I'm more of a "hit snooze 10 times, force myself to roll out of bed, shower, throw on clothes, feed the cat, and get in the long line of traffic to work" sort of guy.
Couple this morning routine with the fact that sometimes I eat things like a bowl of popcorn for dinner, and the end result can sometimes be a crippling hunger upon my arrival to the office. It usually subsides enough to make it to lunch, but some mornings it is rough. On those mornings, a box of donuts thoughtfully brought in by a co-worker is just about as close to a miracle as I am willing to believe in.
Unfortunately, I also like to look gift horses in their mouths, and a box of Dunkin' Donuts, miracle or not, is no exception.

Some of you are probably reading this thinking, "Dunkin' Donuts still sells donuts? Get the fuck out!" I know, it's hard to believe...ever since the "Time to Make the Donuts" dude died, Dunkin' Donuts has pretty much distanced themselves from their main product, choosing instead to promote only their coffee. In my mind, they've tried to become a low-rent coffee house, like some sort of an unholy marriage between NASCAR and Starbucks. I kicked around their website for a bit...you really have to dig in order to find any mention of donuts, other than in their name. It's all about the java there now, but I digress.

OK, back to the original scene...I'm arriving at work, starving, and I spy a box of Dunkin' Donuts. I head to my office, power up the PC, and while it boots, head back to claim a donut. And therein lies the problem...unlike a Krispy Kreme box, which 9 times out of 10 will contain a dozen of their very best product (the glazed), your average Dunkin' Donuts box of a dozen is a calvacade of mediocrity. Plain cake donuts? Who the fuck actually would CHOOSE a plain cake donut? Ditto the powdered donut...may I please have a donut that doesn't leave me looking like I just did a line of coke in the bathroom and spilled half of it on my shirt? Those cinnamon/sugar coated ones? Seriously? That's the best you could do? The plain ones with strawberry frosting? Are these varieties not ALWAYS the last ones left in the box, usually until the end of the day when someone finally throws them away?
What I can't figure out is why people would pick up a dozen donuts and waste any of their 12 valuable selections with these clearly inferior donut varieties. Picking up a dozen donuts at Dunkin' Donuts and providing less than 3 Boston Kremes should be grounds for immediate dismissal. Boston Kremes (yes, that IS the Dunkin' Donuts' spelling of Kreme, too!) are always the first to go...to the point where I'm actually surprised to find one left in the box if there's been a few donuts taken. There's no mistake there, either...a Boston Kreme from Dunkin' Donuts is a damn fine donut. The top of their line, in my opinion. The thing is, I don't recall there being any extra charge for a Boston Kreme vs. one of their bullshit donuts listed above (or those ones coated in imitation coconut). If you're at Krispy Kreme, you're buying a dozen of the same damn fine donut, why not do the same at Dunkin' Donuts? There are other great varieties at Dunkin' Donuts as well: the Cruller, the jelly filleds (other than the lemon filled, which belongs in the crap pile and is especially evil because it is difficult to spot in advance), the Bavarian Kreme, even their glazed, while no where near the level of Krispy Kreme, is passable. There's just no conceivable reason to resort to a plain cake donut when picking your dozen. The fact that Dunkin' Donuts even OFFERS a plain cake donut is bullshit...they are relying on the fact that people will be too bashful to tell the person the precise donuts they want as part of their dozen or that there are people in the world boring enough to actually select that donut. The crap varieties are likely the cheapest for them to make, too, meaning that if you let the clerk choose, chances are very good that they've been trained to pick the shittiest (cheapest) donuts possible to fill out the dozen, meaning there will be at least one plain cake and a most of a powdered donut (the part that the woman in the office who can't bear to be seen eating an entire donut, so she breaks off a piece, rendering the rest of the donut completely unappetizing to all those that follow) left over at the end of the day to be thrown away. I'll bet the amount of money spent on shitty-ass donuts chosen to fill out a box of a dozen in the US each year exceeds the GDP of Liberia. Why no coordinated effort is made to have a standard office donut mix that will please everyone is beyond me, but even if one accepts that social coordination at that high a level is impossible, you'd think that when choosing your donut dozen you'd recall the ones that went untouched last time and avoid them in the future. Or is it that people don't really care as long as they get the one they wanted and everyone else knows that they were the ones that brought in the donuts? I just don't understand going to all the trouble of picking up donuts and then choosing the worst donuts possible. Perhaps that's why Krispy Kreme became more popular than Dunkin' Donuts...it was idiot-proof. The dumbest person at your office still knew enough to purchase their best product, ensuring maximum enjoyment for all.

So, without further ado, John's ideal Dunkin' Donuts dozens:
1) 12 Boston Kreme (ordered with a smug expression that lets the clerk know that you know that you've gotten the better of them)
2) 4 Boston Kreme, 2 Crullers, 2 Bavarian Kreme, 2 Jelly Filled, 2 Glazed (this is the dozen that allows for the fact that some folks are out of their damn skulls and don't like Boston Kremes, or if you're in the mood for a Boston Kreme AND another fine donut of a different ilk)
3) This option provides for a personal interpretation of #2, containing not less than 4 Boston Kremes, and any mix of remaining donuts that aren't bullshit. If you're not sure whether a donut is bullshit or not, it is a bullshit donut. If you still aren't sure, head to Krispy Kreme and get a box of glazed, 'cause Dunkin' Donuts is going to screw you and co-workers will mock you privately.

The Duke Family Tree

2006-04-06T23:05:00.000-05:00

My roommate recieved the recent Dukes of Hazzard movie from Netflix the other day. Obviously, this is one of those films you just KNOW is going to be bad, but that you watch anyway, especially if you grew up a HUGE Dukes of Hazzard fan. I'll spare you a review of the movie, as I'm sure you can find plenty of reviews elsewhere if you so desire, and there's only so many ways to say that a movie sucked.

It did, however, bring back a lot of memories of the actual show. Having the less than satisfying versions of the characters in the movie in front of me reminded me of a lot of little things about the show...the way Uncle Jesse could get away with scolding Boss Hogg, JD's wife LuLu (who it just now strikes me reminds me quite a bit of the mom in What's Eating Gilbert Grape), Daisy's rather tender relationship with Enos that she was also oddly willing to exploit, and the dark days of the "replacement players", Coy and Vance, when Tom Wopat and John Schnieder decided to pull a contract holdout. Obviously, Uncle Jesse was the glue that held the Duke clan together, and he was fiercly protective of his family.

Which begs the question...just how did Uncle Jesse end up with all of these nieces and nephews under his charge? Bo and Luke and Daisy and Coy and Vance were all cousins, none of them brother and sister, all of them with Jesse for an Uncle. Furthermore, they all share the same last name of Duke. I'm going to go with the assumption that they are all first cousins, mostly because the show never gave me any reason to believe that they were more distant than that, but also because they actually refer to each other as "cousin", and in a town as small as Hazzard (in that part of the country), if they were going to refer to those that WEREN'T first cousins as "cousin", you'd probably be calling EVERYONE cousin. Since they never called Cooter or Cletus or any random Hazzardians at the Boar's Nest cousin, it follows that they only use that term for first cousins.

What this means is that Jesse must have had AT LEAST 5 brothers and sisters (more likely brothers, since all of his nieces and nephews share the last name of Duke, but it is certainly possible that any/all of them were born to a sister of his that never married). These brothers and sisters, or their spouses (the parents of Bo and Luke and Daisy and Coy and Vance) are never mentioned that I can recall. We're talking 5 separate sets of completely missing parents, and all indications are that at least Bo and Luke and Daisy have lived with Uncle Jesse for quite awhile, and all of them are fairly young (likely in their 20's), meaning something must have happened to all of their respective parents when they were QUITE young. Jesse sure didn't talk about it much, either, meaning there's got to be something seriously dark in their past...wouldn't you think Jesse would share stories of his brothers/sisters? Jesse was quite a storyteller, and as much as he protected those boys, you know he was a strong believer in the concept of family. Also, nothing is mentioned about any children that Jesse may have had. Although the current generation of Dukes appears to be tight-knit, it seems one needs only go back one generation, to Jesse and his brothers and sisters, to expose some major questions. Just what happened to the 5 or more brothers and sisters of Jesse Duke? What could have happened to elicit an unspoken understanding amongst Jesse and his nieces and nephews to NEVER mention these people again?

A few theories (some of these are owed in part to those that I've discussed this with over the past few days):

Horrible accident at the family still (the Dukes were moonshiners by trade, although if you've read this far and didn't already know that information, I'd be shocked)
Massive car accident (the Dukes have a longstanding track record of being reckless drivers, as Waylon Jennings was fond of pointing out in countless witty voiceovers)
Prison/jail (the Dukes, although good at heart, ARE essentially a family of outlaws, but I find this option unlikely due to the obvious inept nature of the Hazzard police and innate ability of the Dukes to avoid prosecution of any kind)
Family tree confusion caused by incest (there's really nothing to suggest this other than the fact that the show takes place in rural Georgia, and it's not my favorite theory simply because it's too damn easy)

I'd be interested to hear any other theories, or if there's any solid evidence from the show that my memory did not retain.

In the meantime, if you should happen across a Dukes of Hazzard rerun, while it may be enjoyable to watch Luke fire an impressively accurate flaming arrow, or to wonder why all the bridges in Hazzard are always under construction, I think it is important to remember that there is obviously some very real human drama simmering just beneath the surface of the Duke family, a story that may have been too dark to tell in those innocent times, but that would be really nice to know in order to fully understand what makes a Duke tick.

Of Water Towers, Microwaves, Fast Food, and Marion Berry

2006-03-30T22:21:00.000-06:00

Today was one of those days when my mind was kind of all over the place. Of course, none of those places were of any remote importance, which makes for perfect blog fodder:

Whoever invented the silver reflective stuff that's imbedded on the top (inside) of every bag of microwave popcorn (as well as the inside of a Hot Pocket sleeve and the bottom of a tray of Bagel Bites) must be living a fairly comfortable life at this point. What is that stuff called, anyway? Whatever it's called, it should make use of the word crisp...I nominate Crisperon or Crispuminum.
I've been noticing water towers lately. I mean, water towers are always there, but it's as if I flipped off a mental water tower filter and suddenly I'm actually paying attention to them. Not only are they everywhere in the suburbs, but the cool wooden ones on the tops of taller old buildings are all over the place in Chicago as well. I have a confession to make, too...I didn't really get the real purpose of water towers until I did a little internet research the other day. Aside from the purpose I suspected of simply being informational landmarks to remind you what suburb you are in, I always thought they were just there to hold emergency water reserves, not realizing that they are essential to water pressure. I've always viewed the entire water system with a kind of naivety, anyway...I am still utterly amazed that we can turn a faucet and have fresh water come out.
When it comes to fast-food, I can pretty much do it all. If I'm on the road with someone and we need a place to stop for a quick bite, I'm not picky...I'm not going to shoot you down on a McDonald's or BK or Wendy's choice, I know my way around a Taco Bell menu, and I even dig exotic choices such as Long John Silvers. I can find a sandwich that will make me happy at any of the big chains...Quizno's, Subway, Jimmy John's, etc. I prefer Popeye's, but KFC will work as well. I guess what I'm getting at here is that I am by no means a fast food snob, with one notable and very strict exception: I will not, under any circumstances, eat at White Castle. It's not that they serve sliders, either, 'cause I actually gravitate towards sliders on, say, a bar menu...but good lord those White Castle sliders taste horrible. What in the hell do they mean by steam grilled, anyway? Is it steamed, then grilled? Why not just grill it? Grills have been known to be an effective and tasty burger cooking method for generations...I'm quite certain that the steaming part is unnecessary and likely responsible for the only major fast food that I'm entirely unable to stomach. This is also the reason that people don't invite their friends and neighbors over in the summer and throw a bunch of burgers in the steamer.
I was behind a car with Washington DC plates today. These DC plates said "Taxation Without Representation". Finding that saying strange to put on a license plate, I did some checking, and found that this is an optional plate offered to DC residents who wish to use it to voice protest over the fact that those that live in the District pay federal taxes but do not have a representative in Congress. Fair enough...and I suppose the plate served its purpose, because that's an issue I had never thought about, however, shouldn't the saying be "No Taxation Without Representation"? That was the actual rallying cry of the American Revolution, which these "protest" plates are clearly referring to. Plates that simply say "Washington DC, Taxation Without Representation" seem to be making more a statement of fact than protest. I'm not sure license plates are the best place to protest anyway, but I guess it saves the additional cost of a bumper sticker...I just feel like if the DC government is going to take the time to produce plates and offer them to the public as an optional form of protest, they ought to actually make a statement against that which they wish to protest. If you're against the War in Iraq, you're not going to put a bumper sticker on your car that simply says "War in Iraq". The first word of the statement seems important to me, that's all...although these are the same people that re-elected Marion Berry, so perhaps there's some similar logic at play here.

A Yakov Smirnoff Photo Essay

2006-03-23T16:12:00.000-06:00

I hear photo blogs are all the rage these days, so I thought I'd try my hand at a one-time only photo blog post. Here goes:

Yakov with President Reagan
Reagan: "Yakov Smirnoff is a national treasure."

Yakov with George HW Bush
Bush: "Yakov Smirnoff is fantastic."

Yakov with GW Bush
Bush: "Yakov Smirnoff is still funny after all these years."

Yakov with yours truly after his impromptu appearance during the improv portion of a Second City show.
Move over McConaughey and Bishop Don Juan, I have a new celebrity pal!
John: "What a country!"

(All presidential quotes taken from the captions with the presidential photos above on www.yakov.com, a promotional website for Yakov's Branson show. I cannot verify these quotes but I do not doubt that these presidents would have found Yakov amusing.)

Musings on Top Chef

2006-03-22T23:29:00.000-06:00

In case previous posts didn't make it abundantly clear that I watch too much television...

Tonight I caught up on the first few episodes of Top Chef, a new reality show on Bravo, and a few things struck me:

1. Anytime I watch a show involving cooking, it makes me want to take a cooking class. I hold no secret dreams of becoming a world-renowned chef, but how cool would it be to learn enough to actually create a recipe every now and then instead of following them (and by following a recipe, in my case I'm generally referring to the directions on the back of a package of Rice and Sauce)? What is it about watching other people cook that makes me want to cook? I don't watch Project Runway and think about learning fashion design, and I don't watch America's Next Top Model and...well...I think I'll just spare any further thought on that matter.

2. The show is enjoyable, and it's fun to see what they come up with, but it would be a hell of a lot more fun to watch if we could all actually taste the food they cook. What other reality show is centered around something that is impossible for the audience to have an opinion of? We're relying solely on the taste of the judges, which is somewhat like watching American Idol with the sound off and having to rely on the opinion of Paula Abdul (a terrifying thought indeed). Just because they're experts doesn't mean I would agree if I tried the food. So, I began thinking what a great invention it would be that would somehow allow us each to sample the food interactively through the TV. Yes, I realize that's some serious fantasy, but stay with me for a second, because my next realization was that if we COULD come up with an invention where we could sample food through the TV, wouldn't it be better used to SOLVE WORLD HUNGER than to judge a fucking reality show? What possesses me to think of something as seriously cool as a TV that replicates the food on the screen and makes it tangible, but conceive of it in the context of making it easier to judge a reality show on Bravo? It can be embarrassing at times how far I am from any sort of coherent reality when watching reality television.

3. My new biggest annoyance: reality shows previewing the NEXT SEGMENT just before commercial. We've all gotten used to the "recap" at the beginning of an episode and the "next time on..." at the end of an episode (two things that I already detest and skip on TiVo), but now almost all reality shows are subjecting us to 10-15 seconds of clips, just before a commercial break, showing something that will happen WHEN WE GET BACK FROM THE DAMN COMMERCIAL! I mean, don't you think I can wait? Perhaps it's because I'm speeding through all this on TiVo that makes it extra annoying, since the thing they just showed as "about to happen" is about 5 seconds from actually happening (in as much as something on reality television is ever "actually happening", and that term becomes even more loose when you consider that I'm not watching it live), but I don't see the point in real time, either. The ONLY explanation I can think of is the idea that they need to tease us in order to get us to stick with the show all the way through...meaning the producers are supremely insecure. They're saying, "alright, we know that segment didn't blow you away, but please stick with us, we promise it gets better after commercial." Sometimes, when they decide to switch to maximum annoyance factor, the clip before commercial will say, "when we come back..." and show a quick line or two, and add in "AND later..." and show something supposedly even more interesting that won't happen until close to the end of the show. Which basically means that the 3 or 4 funny or interesting things that happen in a show are being shown approximately 3 or 4 times before they actually even occur in the context of the show, rendering them neither funny nor compelling when viewed in that context. Basically, it's the reality TV manifestation of the increasingly obvious fact that the only importance in media is sound bite, sound bite, sound bite.

Next time on It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Blogging...John attempts to redeem himself after a post centered around a show no one watches.

Vanity Fair

2006-03-21T17:15:00.000-06:00

You know that foolish feeling when you go through life thinking one thing and end up finding out that you were way, way off and completely missing out? This experience is most common with food...exotic foods that sounded scary and unappetizing when we were younger often turn out to be amazing (for me sushi and falalfil would fall into this category). For 29 1/2 years I lived a life assuming that Vanity Fair magazine was just a fashion mag...like Vogue or Elle or Cosmopolitan.
Damn, was I missing out. This Vanity Fair is a thinking man's Maxim!

I was first introduced to Vanity Fair about 7 months ago, when I happened to pick up a friend's copy...it was the issue with the long interview with a post-breakup Jennifer Aniston, and having heard about the article on TV/radio, I figured I'd glance at it. The Aniston interview was interesting, but my big surprise was finding great long-form articles on politics, culture, etc. Huh? I thought this was a women's mag? What gives?
I kind of set aside my newfound interest in Vanity Fair, until Christmas time when I was at Midway airport, in need of reading material for my upcoming flight to Colorado. Wanting something with lengthy articles to help pass the time, I remembered Vanity Fair, and another issue (this time the year-end edition) was purchased. More of the same...there wasn't a single article I didn't enjoy, all were in-depth, all engaging, absolutely NONE of which I would consider to be slanted towards being more enjoyable to women than men. Yes, there are a TON of full page fashion ads in Vanity Fair, but it's no secret that these ads almost exclusively feature beautiful women, usually barely clothed. Where had I formed the opinion that Vanity Fair was a women's mag? Where had anyone?

I decided to do some checking around, to see if it was just me that had these huge misconceptions about Vanity Fair. Turns out, most people I knew that had never read Vanity Fair (and even one guy who's wife has a subscription), had made the same assumption. A subscription to Vanity Fair, according completely to my informal polling, appears to be thought of as a chick thing. Never one to be deterred by perception in these matters (my avowed favorite show on television is Gilmore Girls), I started a subscription sometime near the end of January.

The first issue I recieved in my mailbox blew all misconceptions completely out of the water, for the first issue that I recieved featured a cover photo of Scarlet Johannson AND Kiera Knightley (two of my favorite young actresses), with nary a shred of clothing between them. Look inside the issue, which had a huge photo feature (apparently a yearly thing) on various Hollywood stars, and you'll find even more revealing photos. Tasteful? Sure. We're not talking Playboy, and clearly there's a bit more art involved than your average Maxim spread, but I can't imagine these are photographs aimed at attracting your average female subscriber (to be fair, there was plenty of eye-candy for the ladies in the form of male celebs as well).

No issue that I've recieved so far has even come close to disappointing. I love the fact that it takes awhile to get through each issue...you're not going to pick up a Vanity Fair and go cover-to-cover. The articles are in-depth, varied, and take awhile to read, but when you get done, you actually feel like you KNOW something about the topic. Amazing concept, huh? When's the last time you got that feeling from an issue of People? The latest issue alone features stories on Teri Hatcher, Natalie Portman, Steve Jobs, the War in Afghanistan, Laura Bush, Martin Luther King's closest advisor, the dude who went missing on the cruise, infamous lobbyist Jack Abramoff, etc., etc. I guess I think of Vanity Fair as a large monthly dose of the stuff of great conversation, with a bunch of pictures of great looking women thrown in for good measure.

So, it appears that the list of "metro-ish" things about me must be updated:
Likes Gilmore Girls (and other WB-type programming)
Can sing along to (and owns) soundtrack to Sound of Music
Has a cat
Subscribes to Vanity Fair

TiVo Saturation Point

2005-10-17T16:23:00.000-05:00

I think I've finally done it. I think I've finally reached the point where I'm actually recording more shows on TiVo than I can legitimately keep up with and maintain some semblance of a normal life.
I jumped on the TiVo bandwagon early (somewhere around the turn of the millenium or so), and have been a vocal proponent of TiVo since. I KNEW it would change the way I watch TV, and anyone that has lived or visited me since the advent of my personal TiVo era has gotten at least a mini-demonstration of that fact. Originally I had a TiVo on the bedroom TV only, for the simple fact that I liked to watch TV before going to sleep, and this allowed me to watch the entire night's worth of shows in the block of time before I went to sleep, freeing up my evenings for whatever I wanted to do.
Well, as time went on, TiVo's became networkable wirelessly, I upgraded my original one and got rid of it, and eventually added an additional TiVo to the living room TV...mostly because I couldn't stand watching TV without the ability to pause, rewind, etc., or eliminate commercials, but also because there were some show conflicts and I wanted to TiVo two shows at once, and having two TiVo's opened up that world (as well as the ability to transfer shows from one TiVo to another, so I could watch any show from either TiVo on either TV). My current line of thinking is that I will always have a TiVo connected to any additional TV's I hook up...my dream being to have a TV in the bathroom with a TiVo attached as well. But, I digress.
Back to my problem. I'm literally up to about 2 shows a night on EACH TiVo. Most time slots, I have more than one show being recorded...one on each TiVo. There's even a time slot (Thursday's at 7 central) that I had to cancel a season pass as well as NOT set a new season pass, because there's 2 more shows on that I want to watch than I have the capability of recording at once (I opted for the OC and Alias, dropping my season pass for Smallville and reluctantly declining to record Everybody Hates Chris). Every season, when I get my Entertainment Weekly Fall TV Preview, I lay out the schedules for which TiVo will handle what, avoiding conflicts and allowing the shows that my roommate also enjoys to be recorded on the living room TiVo. This works great, but I always pick a bunch of "who knows, this may be good..." shows each season, and watch the first few episodes just to see. Usually, that means a few weeks of massive amounts of TiVo watching, but then I eliminate those that I'm disinterested in and things calm down again.
Well, this season, not so much. There's really no new shows that I've begun to watch that I haven't wanted to keep up with, and I still have a full complement of shows that have been around.
There are those of you reading this who will be thinking "doesn't he ever DO anything?" The answer is YES. And that's the problem. When I only had a show or 2 a night, it's easy to catch up before bed. In fact, the whole POINT of TiVo was because I DO other things, so this freed up the prime hours, and the times when I wasn't doing anything became TV watching times.
Hell, look at my last blog post. I haven't posted since the new season started.
There's just no way to keep up with it all. Add in the fact that most Saturdays in the Fall are devoted to college football, Sundays to pro football, and the MLB playoffs are in full swing, and I'm one backed up TV-watching hombre.
Here's the size of the problem I'm dealing with (and keep in mind, this is NOT a problem of having enough space on the TiVo itself to record these shows, only with finding the time to watch them):
Monday recordings: Prison Break, Kitchen Confidential, CSI:Miami (Monday total=2 1/2 hours)
Tuesday: Gilmore Girls, Supernatural, My Name is Earl, The Office (Tuesday total=3 hours)
Wednesday: Related, Lost, Invasion (Wednesday total=3 hours)
Thursday: Alias, The OC, Everwood, CSI, Without a Trace (Thursday total=5 hours)
Friday: Ghost Whisperer, Threshold (Friday total=2 hours)
Saturday: SNL (Saturday total=1 1/2 hours)
Sunday: Cold Case, Grey's Anatomy (Sunday total=2 hours)

This isn't even counting shows I catch here and there...these are just the solid, never miss, always watch as soon as possible shows, and there is some additional programming that is being recorded for the benefit of my roommate only.
I think this probably reveals my problem, as the above shows total 19 hours. Thankfully, I can fast forward through commercials, which total about 8 minutes for every 1/2 hour, so the real total is more like 14 hours of actual show, but still...this is getting out of hand. It actually leads me into hoping that shows I legitimately enjoy get cancelled so that I don't have to watch them anymore. Certainly there will be plenty of movement of shows (such as the conspiracy by all networks described above to overpopulate Thursdays with extremely watchable programming) over the course of this season and throughout the life of a show, and a good portion of the above shows will end up canceled or I will eventually lose interest.
I would really like to reiterate that this is in NO way an indictment of TiVo...if anything, the slight downside of TiVo as an invention is that it places me in a position where the freedom of choice that I enjoy regarding the timing of when to "be entertained" by any particular slice of programming somehow has morphed into guilt if I am not keeping up with all of the entertainment TiVo is able to store for me. This guilt is most evident when I choose to watch a TiVo suggestion (a show that TiVo records on speculation that I will like it based on it's advanced knowledge of my likes and dislikes--I prefer to imagine that there's a microphone imbedded in the front of TiVo that can hear me comment on programming and decipher my preferences that way) instead of watching one of 5 episodes of Without a Trace that I have stored, because the suggestion looks good and I'm not in the MOOD for Without a Trace. This is extremely difficult to admit, but yes, I feel guilty about choosing one slice of entertainment that was selected by a machine instead of fulfilling the obligation I created for myself of "keeping up with Without a Trace"...this is due to a palpable feeling of WASTING TIME by watching a TiVo suggestion when I SHOULD be watching Without a Trace. I'm not certain if that is proof that I have a simple mind or an unnecessarily complex one.

Driving in the Rain

2005-08-31T16:30:00.000-05:00

Anyone who commutes any sort of distance (especially in a metropolitan area) knows one thing: even the slightest bit of rain will add incomprehensible amounts of time to the commute. On the scale of predictability, a decent rainfall (or even a mild drizzle) screwing up traffic not only during the rainfall but for hours after it ends is right up there with death and taxes.

Before you stop reading, thinking to yourself, "this is going to be a lame blog post about people driving poorly in the rain," read on, 'cause the subject of this lame blog post has a bit different spin. OK, back to the story:

So, it rains, and you crawl your way through the slower-than-usual traffic and get yourself to work. Inevitably, someone makes the comment, "Why does everyone else drive like shit in the rain?" or "What is it about a little bit of rain that turns everyone else into a horrible driver?" etc., etc. I'll admit, I used to be one of the offending parties that would make these comments, but at some point it dawned on me that EVERYONE makes these comments, and that's when it hit me.
Most people are liars.
Not that I didn't know that before, but this one is the prime example, at least in my mind.
It's pretty simple to break this one down: EVERYONE says that EVERYONE ELSE drives like shit in the rain.
If it's true (I'm thinking it's the consensus truth since no one can shut up about it) that most people drive like shit in the rain, where are all the people willing to cop to their limited rain-driving abilities? When's the last time you got to work after a longer-than-usual rain-induced commute and ran into a co-worker who said, "Man, that rain really got me nervous this morning. The moist pavement had me thinking accident. Can you believe how everyone else was flying along at normal speed? Don't these people have CHILDREN?"

It seems that the anonymity of an automobile provides people a certain amount of protection here. People can drive like shit in the rain, arrive at work, and bitch about how everyone else drives like shit and no one will be the wiser.
So, it follows that the next time someone bitches to you about everyone else's inclement weather driving skills, well, chances are very good they're lying to you. You've seen these people out on the road, driving like shit in the rain...what makes you think this person that's talking to you is any exception just because they're complaining about the same thing? I'm not saying you have to call them out on it (although you should try it sometime...it CAN be fun), but it's probably a good idea to keep it in the back of your mind that given a situation where this person can lie without you knowing any better, they probably will. Before you go too far with this line of thinking, though, it's probably also a good idea to take a step back and look objectively at your OWN driving skills in the rain, 'cause chances are, YOU'RE lying too. Until you figure out which side you're on, refraining from comment may be the best approach.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, it should go without saying that I'm one hell of a great driver in any weather conditions. As for everyone else...

A Most Random (Pseudo) Celebrity Sighting

2005-08-24T17:29:00.000-05:00

I've had a few fun celebrity sightings in my day (several hours of blackjack literally in the seat next to Matthew McConaughey at Bellagio being the highlight, and the requisite Vegas experience of Dennis Rodman playing craps at my friends table with me looking on), but never have I run into so random a celebrity at so random a place as I did on Monday.
The day started out normally enough, with me arriving at work concerned about recieving some important freight in time for us to be able to turn it around and deliver to the customer on Tuesday. The freight had arrived in Chicago, but wasn't going to be delivered to me until late in the day, so I decided we should just rent a truck and get it ourselves in order to speed everything up.
Off I went to the truck rental place, located nearby in Villa Park, a Budget Truck Rental that also doubles as a Cruise America RV rental headquarters. Everything you know about a truck rental place applies here as well--the people that run the place are nice people, for sure, but (how to put this kindly?) one imagines a weekend of NASCAR and WWE wrestling is probably right at the top of their list, if you catch my drift.
Myself and George pull into the parking lot of the truck rental place, and just as we're pulling in, we see two guys in full-on pimp regalia going into the building. We both laugh, wondering what the hell they're doing there, and I say, "let's head on in...no worries...my pimp hand is strong." (for those that should happen upon this that DON'T know me, I'm just about the least "street" person I know, so that also brought laughter from George)
Anyhow, we continue on inside, and immediately you know something is up, because literally EVERYONE that works at this place is standing near the counter, laughing, listening intently to the most out of place customer every known to enter their building:
Bishop Don Magic Juan!
For those that don't know who Bishop Don Magic Juan is, check out this site:
http://www.thebishop.us/Index.asp
Or, to boil it down, he's a former Chicago pimp who found God in 1985 and now runs in the same circles as Snoop and 50 Cent, as well making appearances in quite a few movies (Old School, the remake of Starsky and Hutch, and the first time I heard of him--Pimps Up, Ho's Down).
The archbishop was dressed in his usual green and gold (green is for the money, gold is for the honeys), but the first thing that tipped me off that I was in the presence of no mere small-time hustler were the "Magic" and "Juan" rings. He signed a few autographs for the employees, and noticed a girl crying behind the counter over what seemed to be an unrelated matter (it was one of the owner's very young daughters), and suggested they give her "a few extra hugs today, and she'll be alright". He was returning an RV he rented for the weekend, and was concerned with making sure everything checked out OK. Turns out he had organized a school supply giveaway in Garfield Park over the weekend, and had rented the RV for Snoop, who was flying in, 'cause they wanted to give Snoop a trailer to hang out in during the course of the giveaway to take breaks. (think they needed to pull out the air fresheners for that RV after checking it back in?) He was on his way back to O'Hare himself, flying back to Hollywood.
Anyway, after filling out the paperwork, he said goodbye to everyone, and headed out on his way, leaving the employees free for the far more mundane business of taking care of us.
I suppose I liken the experience to running into Stephen Hawking at your local dive bar, or President Bush at a Mensa meeting. It may not have been the place I would have LEAST suspected to run into someone like the Bishop, but it's certainly not far off. A truck rental/RV place for someone famous through the rap industry, in the middle of the morning on a Monday? Not something one expects upon rolling out of bed in the morning, but I guess that's what keeps life interesting.

Dippin' Dots

2005-08-03T19:01:00.000-05:00

Those that know me have heard this complaint before, but here it is for posterity:
I hate Dippin' Dots. My hatred for Dippin' Dots has nothing to do with taste, texture, odor or any other food related complaint. It all boils down to the most grandiose slogan in all the world: "Ice Cream of the Future"
I guess I should back up for a second and note that my hatred of grandiose slogans runs very deep, especially as it relates to food. The claim of every mom-and-pop bar and locally owned burger joint of "World Famous Hamburgers" is where my hatred first manifested itself. Who are they kidding, really? "Regionally Well-Known" is the best these places can honestly claim. Do they really expect that I'll run into someone in Ireland and say, "Hi there...I'm from the States" and have them respond, "Ah, yes, the USA...home of the DonBurger of Cement City, MI! Damn glad to meet ya!" Everyone that looks at a claim like that on a menu in a small town knows one thing for sure: no one, including whoever owns the place, really thinks it's world famous. So why the bullshit? It's either a good burger or it's not, and I'm already here, so no use trying to hype it.

Anyway, back to Dippin' Dots, 'cause they're the worst offenders of all. Dippin' Dots was founded in 1988. Yup, 1988. I was but a wee lad of 12. Along came Dippin' Dots, all full of vim and promise, hoping to create a stir and take the country by storm. The most logical place to start any quest of this kind, of course, is theme parks, so off they went, peddling their new treat next to the elephant ear/funnel cake/churro stands (think the elephant ear people ever thought of calling it the "Bread of the Future"?), making friends with the popcorn vendors, settling in nicely to a niche, with dreams of greater dominance lying ahead. It wouldn't have been long after 1988 that I first saw a Dippin' Dots stand. Interesting, I thought to myself...Ice Cream of the Future. Wonder how that will pan out.

Well, here we are, 17 years later...shit or get off the pot time, I'd say...the "future" you spoke of back in '88 has had plenty of time to arrive. When most of us talked about the "future" back in '88, weren't we really talking about the turn of the century? Well, we're 5 1/2 years clear of the millenium...surely Dippin' Dots has taken a sizeable chunk out of the ice cream juggernaut by now, right? Why, just in the last 8 months, I've seen Dippin' Dots stands at such varied marketplaces as, let's see...well, Lincoln Park Zoo...Navy Pier, yup...and Midland Mall in Midland, MI! Looks like you've done a bang up job of moving on up, Dippin' Dots...two tourists traps and one backwater mall! Congrats! Oh, well, it's not all about the storefront...surely by now your little dots are flying out of the grocer's freezers at a blinding rate, right? What's that, Dippin' Dots? Not available in stores? Funny, I noticed roughly half of a football field size freezer at the local Jewel stocked full of ice cream! Usurping ice cream didn't prove to be quite as easy a task as you originally expected, huh?

By the way...I checked out their website just to see why the hell these things haven't even made it to the grocery store after 17 years...turns out you can only get them at the stands OR order them online. 30 servings was the smallest amount you could order, for the low-low "Ice Cream of the Never" price of $125. Guess what else? They ship 'em in dry ice, as a regular freezer won't keep 'em frozen. You've got about 24 hours before your dry ice runs out to eat these 30 servings, and even while they're on dry ice, the outside environment must be 70 degrees or below. One last caveat...you can only eat these with a PLASTIC SPOON. Don't ask me why, I didn't make the rule. I get the sense these things also ship with a Material Safety Data Sheet and a radiation suit, which actually may be the most futuristic thing about them.

The people I feel for the most in this sad little Tucker-esque story are the poor factory workers in Paducah, Kentucky...where all Dippin' Dots are produced. Seduced by delusions of grandeur, wanting to catch lighting in a bottle by being in on the ground floor of the "Ice Cream of the Future", I'm sure many of these folks got their hopes up that THIS job would be different, THIS job is the one that would take them from the assembly line to an island of their own in the Caribbean. I envision a hundred 50 to 60 year olds, slowly shuffling around the factory, heads down...slowly muttering to themselves "I can't believe I bought that horseshit about the Ice Cream of the Future." The better part of their lives were spent at Dippin' Dots, with only the memories of a more hopeful time and a modest pension to show for it. Their kids are grown, have moved out of Paducah after vowing never to work for Dippin' Dots, and life has gotten mighty lonely. It's a common tale, I know...but it's always the little guy whose heart is broken most severely when delusions of grandeur turn out to be nothing but cryogenically frozen little balls of nothingness.

Perhaps it's time to realize your little "Ice Cream of the Future" claim may have been a shade premature? That ship has sailed, Dippin' Dots...time to move on and take stock in who you really are. Some suggestions for new slogans...after this diatribe, feel free to use these at no charge. My gift to you:
Dippin' Dots: Ice Cream of the Tourist
The Treat Next Door to the Frozen Bananas
Watch Out, Frozen Custard, We're After YOU Now
Now Available Via UPS HazMat Air!

The slogan we all know fits best would be this one:

Dippin' Dots: Pretender to the Throne of the Great and Powerful Ice Cream

Exhaling Too Forcefully

2005-07-07T18:17:00.000-05:00

Given the fact that so many large cities have enacted smoking bans over the past few years, I knew that it was on the horizon for my beloved Chicago as well. Recently, a group of Chicago aldermen (do any other cities have aldermen?) put forth a proposal for a comprehensive smoking ban. As disappointed as I'll be if I can't smoke in bars (really, other than at bars, I'm resigned to smoking outside anyway), there's some language in this proposal that screams for a blog post.
I was first informed of the proposed smoking ban via e-mail, from an Economist brief on news in Chicago. My roommate (who forwarded me the e-mail) gets the Economist at home, so I'm somewhat familiar with the tone of their stories...they tend not to packed with humor. However, after reading the story (http://www.economist.com/cities/briefing.cfm?city_id=CHI), there was one line I assumed HAD to be an exaggeration:
"The only indoor refuges for smokers would be private homes, hotels, motels, and tobacco shops, provided patrons didn't exhale too forcefully." (emphasis added)
Provided patrons didn't exhale too forcefully? First off, given that the ban covers just about every square foot in the city (I'll get to that in a second), my assumption is that the "refuge" provided by hotels/motels would be in YOUR room only, and clearly when you're in a private home, you're not in public, either (thanks for leaving that as a refuge...even though I don't smoke in my condo), so I find it difficult to understand exactly who would be checking to see if I'm "exhaling too forcefully" behind a locked door when no one else is around. Besides, what exactly constitutes "exhaling too forcefully"? Is there some sort of air displacement physics test involved to determine whether I'm blowing too hard when I exhale? This line has to be a joke of some sort, I said to myself.
So, I decided to see if any other news sources reported on the story. Of course, the Tribune weighed in with a story of their own (http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-0506300269jun30,1,1785528.story?coll=chi-newsnationworld-hed) which included the following sentence:
"The only exemptions spelled out in the measure are private homes, hotels and motels and retail tobacco shops, providing customers don't blow smoke too far."
Alright, this is NO joke. The only possible clarification I can cull from the Tribune story is that it's possible that the "exhaling too forcefully/blow smoke too far" language applies only to retail tobacco shops. I find it hard to believe that one smoker in a tobacco shop would blow the whistle on another smoker for blowing smoke "too far" (a phrase eclipsed in its vagueness only by "too forcefully"), so my only remaining assumption is that the intent of this language is to prevent those in a tobacco shop from blowing smoke out the door, around the corner, and into a nearby restaurant or bar.
Not being able to smoke in bars will suck, but I've been somewhat bracing for it for awhile. The writing's been on the wall for awhile based on the fact that taxes in the city on cigarettes have gotten so out of control that I haven't bought a pack in the city for as long as I can remember (they're right around $6-$7 a pack in the city, whereas I can get them by the carton in the 'burbs near work for around $3.25/pack). Furthermore, I realize that non-smokers hate the smell of their clothes after a night out, and even as a smoker, at times a cramped bar becomes a bit much with the eyes watering and what-not. Here's the one provision I will have issues with (again from the Economist story):
"Smokers would even be banned from indulging within 25 feet of an enclosed area where smoking is banned."
Given the ban, I would have no problem slipping outside for a quick fix when I'm out at the bar (although not being able to bring a beer with me would be less than ideal), but this little zinger would nip that idea right in the bud. In fact, I'm having trouble envisioning a place ANYWHERE that I go in the city where I'm not 25 feet from an enclosed structure where smoking is banned, other than the lakefront. I guess the only other exception would be residential streets...so I guess all of us smokers when we're out at the bar are expected to walk our intoxicated asses over to the nearest residential neighborhood and smoke outside of people's private homes (since those structures are not banned)? I doubt that would last very long. By passing this 25 foot rule, you're basically banning smoking everywhere in the city, even outdoors, which I do think is taking things a bit too far. I suppose I could walk to Lake Michigan everytime I want a cigarette...but hopefully the legislation will be a bit more realistic by the time it passes.
Yes, I realize I could just quit, yes, I realize smoking is not PC, yes, I realize it takes 10 minutes from my life per Parliament Light...unfortunately for me, I seem to enjoy it on TOP of being addicted to it, which complicates matters, so for now I'll work on exhaling more softly and be on the lookout for a chunk of land to smoke in that's 25 feet from a bar with good drink specials.

You Have...10 Unnecessary Messages

2005-07-05T18:52:00.000-05:00

I guess this could be considered Part 2 of the "bane of John's Work Existence" blog entries:
Voicemail would seem to be a great invention and all, but like all great inventions, it requires some actual effort on the part of the party leaving a message to make voicemail even moderately effective and time-saving.
A typical day finds me up and down from my desk on a fairly frequent basis, as well as on the phone quite a bit when I AM at my desk (see my previous entry regarding the back and forth of scheduling any number of things). Naturally, that also means that I pile up a lot of voicemails, to the point that I've begun to see my message light (being red and all) as a personality of its own: an image of cold, calculating evil that recalls HAL when he won't open the pod bay doors in 2001: A Space Odyssey. That's BEFORE I enter the voicemail system and get to listen to my other arch-enemy, the voicemail voice lady. The real point of my post, however, is what happens when I get past that one-two punch of electronic villainy to the even more fearsome "people I deal with at work".
A list of voicemail grievances, in no particular order:
1) Leaving a message that just says "call me back" without also giving some sort of a rundown on the question/concern/issue that your phone call addresses
This happens to me on a daily basis more times than I can count, and absolutely drives me up a wall to the point that I'm inclined NOT to return the phone call. Why is this a problem? Well, it seems that at least 75% of the time when someone leaves a message that just asks to "call them back", upon returning their call and finding out their question/concern/issue, in order to be responded to properly and accurately, requires that I hang up the phone, do some sort of research (or make further phone calls) and then call them back with my response/solution. This further action, of course, COULD have been handled before ever returning their call if they had just left a rundown of their question/concern/issue ON MY VOICEMAIL in the first place, therefore saving both of us at least one phone conversation. If, after listening to their rundown, I still need clarification, I would call them...but why not at least give it a shot and see if it's something I can figure out in the meantime, therefore wrapping our mini-relation into a neat little bow with ONE phone call? I'd rather listen to a 2 minute message giving a detailed explanation of what someone is looking for than get a 10 second message that just asks me to call them back. The other VERY common occurrence is that upon returning the call based on their 10 second message, I'll get THEIR voicemail, and then they have to call ME back...a process that we're all quite aware can go on for days. Finally, if I'm reasonably certain that I do have an answer to their question, AND I get THEIR voicemail, well, I can leave that answer in their voicemail, which is really the best of all worlds because the two of us never actually had to speak (always a bonus when dealing with co-workers or human beings in general).
2) Leaving multiple messages in a short period of time regarding one issue
I realize that everyone thinks their shit is more important than other people's shit, but really, folks, is it necessary to nag via voicemail? There's a special place in the darkest reaches of my heart for the sort of person who does this. There's a job title devoted to them at our company as well: Sales Representative. No sales rep has any concept that there's any possible way that you could be doing ANYTHING else that's more pressing than answering their question, up to and including the possibility that I was forced to attempt open-heart surgery on a co-worker. The worst offenders, coincidentally, are the ones that ask the same questions over again twice a week for the entire time you work with them...really, honestly, I will get to my voicemails in due time, but sometimes (shockingly) there are more time sensitive things for me to handle than a 10 minute conversation to help someone configure a machine because they didn't start on their proposal until the last minute and never took the time to learn how to configure what they were selling in the first place. The other problem this presents is one of trust: pull multiple-voicemail crap once on a question/issue that turns out to be of a less-than-pressing nature, and it's likely I won't find much in the way of urgency in your next voicemail. I'd go into this further, but essentially it's the "sales rep that cried wolf", which happens to me daily with or without voicemail involvement and engenders a sense that a sales rep is always full of shit and nothing is ever nearly as important as they say it is. I sometimes wonder if, in their head, I'm spending my day dancing around the office, clicking my heels, smoking buds in the bathroom, surfing the 'net, and blissfully laughing to myself, "I COULD call so-and-so back, but there's so much more fun to be had before I do that!" If I'm not picking up the phone or returning your call immediately, it's because I'm working my ass off on something else, a fact you'd think would already be clear to these people, given the fact that it seems that I'm the ONLY one that can answer their question. If I didn't do much, logic would suggest that you'd be able to get an answer elsewhere from someone that DOES do a lot. It's not as if we're a big company or that I've got some secret stash of information I'm not sharing with others.
3) Leaving a voicemail when an e-mail would be more appropriate
Let's face it, a phone call (and subsequent voicemail), by nature, is more intrusive than an e-mail. It interrupts the flow of a person's workday, requiring them to STOP what they're doing and either answer the phone or enter the voicemail system, write down the information left on the voicemail on a notepad, AND return the phone call. E-mail is far less intrusive...you can flip through e-mails far more quickly, answer the person with ease, thoroughly (since you've done what you need to do to answer properly prior to sending the e-mail), potentially even doing all of that while you're doing other things (such as placing another phonecall). I honestly believe, and perhaps this should be another blog post, that the reason many people leave voicemails when they really should have e-mailed is because of the multitudes of people out there who still don't really know how to type, thereby making e-mail a laborious process for them whether or not it makes the most sense. E-mails are so much more effective in so many ways...there's an actual record for both parties of the exchange that occurred that you can go back and refer to if you forget something, it allows for visual aids in the form of attachments, etc., there's no chance of the dreaded back and forth of "phone tag", and it's all neatly date and time stamped. If you know someone checks e-mail as regularly as I do, it should be the first option in almost all scenarios, with the possible exception of when someone is on the road/away from their computer.
4) Leaving a message that says that you'll call back later
You know the drill: you hit your message light, enter your password and hit 1,0 (or whatever the combination of keys is that gets you TO YOUR MESSAGES without listening to the damn prompts) and you get a message from someone that says, "Hey, John, it's ______. Just had a quick question for you about x, but I'm running into an appointment, so I'll just buzz you back later." Oh, OK. So you just wasted 1-2 minutes of my life for no good reason. Are you saying that I'm supposed to estimate the amount of time you'll be doing whatever you're doing and sit by the phone, cutting short all other phone calls and staring straight ahead until you call me back, since, you know, you left me a message telling me you would? What the hell even possesses someone to do this? I guess this partially falls under #1 as well, because if you leave that same message with a detailed question, than at least I can take the time to have an answer for you before you call back, but most times these messages are just messages left for the sake of leaving a message after listening to a few rings and hearing a beep. Also in this category: "I'm coming back from an appointment and thought I'd try to catch you. We need to go over x, but I'm headed back so I'll just talk to you when I get there." How 'bout you just talk to me when you get here, period? Unnecessary phonecalls lead to unnecessary voicemails.

There's other obvious problems, but my assumption is that there's a lack of malice involved, such as not leaving your company name if you're a customer, or even your phone number (it happens more than one would think). I realize it makes for longer voicemails, but I maintain that name/company/phone info should be given at the beginning of a message (so that the recipient has context as to who/what the voicemail that is about to be left pertains to) AND at the end of the message (so that if it wasn't spoken clearly at the beginning, there's a cross reference, OR if you missed it the first time around you don't have to go all the way back to get to the phone number). Finally, there was a great comedy bit some years back (maybe Seinfeld? not sure) about people who don't use the proper cadence when reading the phone number...you know, the "eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh" (aka 3-3-2-2 rhythm). Give your number slowly...I shouldn't have to go back and listen again because you were in a hurry and fired off your phone number like a legal disclaimer at the end of a radio ad.

I guess that's all for now...perhaps next time I get one of the above voicemails I'll read this entire blog post back into the offenders voicemail. (Message... 1, totaling... 10... minutes)

Two Weeks from the Monday Before Last

2005-06-20T17:52:00.000-05:00

In my day-to-day work life, I'm constantly coordinating various things to happen: when we will recieve a shipment of equipment from a manufacturer, set up and delivery of said equipment, verification by the leasing company, etc., etc. In that process, there's a constant push-pull of when that can all happen realistically, when the customer wants/needs it to happen, when the sales rep is available to train, when our IT support is available to network the equipment and on and on...suffice it to say, there's a lot of people involved, and keeping it all on the same page requires a lot of conversation.

Let's get to the meat of it: use of the words "this" and "next" to refer to an occurence of a day of the week gets damn confusing. A sample conversation from today to illustrate what I'm talking about:

Me: "So what day is good for you?"
George: "I think I'm ok for next Thursday."
Me: "Do you mean Thursday the 30th, or Thursday the 23rd?"
George: "The 30th is next Thursday. The 23rd is this Thursday."
Me: "Depends on who you ask. The 30th is a week from Thursday. Technically, it's not THE NEXT Thursday. Sometimes when people say 'next Thursday', they'd mean the 23rd."
George: "I'd think you meant the Thursday after this coming Thursday."
Me: "Great. Whatever. Is the 30th OK for you? IT'S A THURSDAY."
George: "I think so. I'll double check."

Here's the problem--when the next occurence of the day of the week is still more than a couple of days away, some people interchange the use of the terms "this Thursday" and "next Thursday" (which is understandable, considering "next Thursday", in the sense my friend George was referring to, is a whopping 10 days away. Nothing 10 days away seems logical to refer to as next, especially since in the most literal sense, THE NEXT THURSDAY is the one that is only 3 days away).

This also becomes a problem early in a new week (roughly Monday-Wednesday) when you're talking about the weekend. Many, if not most, on a Monday, will say "next weekend" to refer to the one that is 4-5 days away. It's not until later in the week when people will start to say "this weekend" to refer to the very same weekend that a couple of days prior they would have referred to as "next weekend". As soon as you start calling the upcoming weekend "this weekend", by rule, the weekend that is roughly 10 days away becomes "next weekend". Well, those mental cutoffs seem to vary greatly from person to person. Some will also say "the weekend after next", which really throws a wrench into things, since now you're trying to decide if someone is actually referring in conversation to a weekend that won't occur for 17 days or so. I know I can't think that far out without a date.

To make matters worse, it'll be, say, Wednesday, and some people (perhaps not realizing that tomorrow is Thursday) will say, "yeah, we'll be ready for that Thursday." Hmmm, one thinks to themselves, do they realize that Thursday is tomorrow? Or are they thinking that I'm talking about a week from tomorrow? Or maybe they think it's Tuesday and they're thinking that 2 days is plenty of time to get ready? Soooooo, inevitably, you either hope they realize that you mean tomorrow at the risk of a hundred things going wrong when tomorrow actually arrives, or you bite the bullet and ask, "do you mean tomorrow?" at the risk of sounding stupid yourself. It's all very difficult.

New rule: Let's all try to dispense with use of the words "this" and "next" when it comes to attempting to get on the same page with someone regarding a date, and attempt to use both the calendar date as well as the day of the week in order to give someone a full picture of how that falls into their schedule. It'll cost you a couple of extra words up front, but save you from confusion in the long term. Since it sounds silly to say all that when referring to the the next day of the week, just say "tomorrow", for reasons described in the above paragraph.

Let's revisit the conversation above, eliminating the confusing words:

Me: "So what day is good for you?"
George: "I think I'm ok for Thursday, June 30th, but I'll double check."
Me: "Thanks, George, and you have yourself a great day!"

George would have had to say a few extra words upfront, but saved himself 3-4 more sentences just to clear it up. He saved me a couple of sentences, too, AND I had time to throw in a pleasantry at the end to make his day a bit brighter.

As I think about this, my mind boggles at how much time I've probably wasted over the past few years attempting to be 100% sure of the exact day that someone wants something to occur. The problem is, if I DON'T do that when people use ambiguous terms, someone misunderstands and all hell breaks loose.

So, any of you out there reading this: no more "this's" and "next's" when talking to me. Say the day of the week and the date, or if it's one day away, I'm cool with you saying tomorrow. Thanks in advance.

Summer TV Programming at Its Finest

2005-06-02T17:20:00.000-05:00

Summer TV is officially upon us, and the first salvo has been fired by NBC, with:
http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Hit_Me_Baby/index.shtml

This will likely be an absolute train wreck, and you'd better believe my TiVos will be whirring.
Evidence of the impending train wreck? Each of the bands performing (later tonight is the first episode with Loverboy, Tiffany, Arrested Development, Flock of Seagulls, and CeCe Penniston) do one of their old hits as well as a cover of a "new hit". According to the website, Loverboy's cover is going to be "Hero" (the Enrique Iglesias--ahem--"classic").

You'd like to think that the band is backstage right now, preparing for soundcheck, hanging their heads and wondering how they could have sunk this low. However, something tells me that Mike Reno (you remember him...Loverboy's lead singer aka "the poor man's Steve Perry") is hyping himself up for the gig even as we speak, preparing himself for the grueling tour that will ensue once the "Hero" single breaks big after the show, hits record stores, and he regains his rightful place as "world's sexiest lead singer". Yup, Mike, this will get you off the county fair circuit and right back into a stadium tour. You'll be back to beating off 22 year old groupies with a stick, with a whole new generation of female fans that have never even heard the words "turn that dial, all the way, shoot me like a rocket into space" ready and willing to be seduced by what I'm sure are your still boyish good looks.

The best part is, this is a competition, so there's a possibility that if you're Mike Reno, at the end of the night you're going to have to deal with the fact that you just lost a music competition to Tiffany. That's more than any human being should be expected to swallow. In other words, television at its finest!

Hanging Fastball

2005-06-02T00:30:00.000-05:00

It's late, and the Cubs are on because they're playing the Dodgers in LA. West Coast swings are hell on true baseball fans from the east and midwest...the games don't start until 9:00 central time, and tonight the game will probably end around 12:30-1:00 am. Oh well.

The Cubs fired one of baseball's best color commentators at the end of last year, Steve Stone, mostly because the players and manager felt that he was being too critical. Teams hire their own commentators, so being critical, whether honest and on-target or not, doesn't do much for your job security. Cub fans loved Stoney, but alas, he's gone.

The Cubs hired former Diamondback manager and Giants catcher Bob Brenly as Stoney's replacement. He's brutal. Tonight's case in point, prompting this post:

Derrick Lee (having an absolute career year so far) hit a 3 run homer in the 8th, his 5th hit in 5 at-bats, giving the Cubbies the more comfortable margin of 4 runs. Immediately they show a replay of the pitch, and Brenly chimes in with: "that was a hanging..........fastball."

Fastballs don't fucking hang, Bob. When a curveball doesn't curve, it's a hanging curve. What's a hanging fastball? When a fastball doesn't...fast? Uh, no. BRING BACK STONEY!

Fear and Loathing at the Library

2005-05-31T18:02:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday the weather was kinda crappy, so I decided to take the El down to the main library. I had never been (didn't even have a library card!) and have wanted to forever. It's a really nice building and obviously they have a huge selection, so I spent quite awhile there. After much browsing, I selected 3 books...Tim Sandlin's first novel, Sex and Sunsets (a great, quick read), and Kurt Vonnegut's Deadeye Dick and Bagombo Snuff Box.

I'm weird, but it felt very strange to walk out of there with 3 books for free. You'd think I hadn't gone to college or something (although I can't really remember actually checking books out at Michigan State, the library was more a place to cut through on the way back to the dorm from Sunday night all-you-can-eat hot dogs at Top Dog) but I honestly was wondering when I went through the line if there was going to be any charge for checking these out. Yes, really, I was wondering if I'd have to pay to check books out at a library before coming to my senses. I wanted a plastic bag, too, but realized if it was going to be free that they probably wouldn't just give you a plastic bag...too much overhead. I ended up just carrying them... but it did occur to me that I could go really old school and take off my belt and use it as an old fashioned book strap. Think of the looks I'd get on the train home. Library books being carried with a strap! Plus the obvious possibility of pants falling down...imagine that one...a dude carrying library books with a strap and pants around his ankles! Then I started thinking that they should offer plastic bags for say 50 cents a pop to help cover their costs. There was one sign that said that library card holders get to copy or print 10 pages a day for free...which seems ultra crazy and must cost the library a fortune. 10 pages! A day! I could copy 3600 pages a year there! That would cost the library approx. $36/year, based on going cost per page rates, which I happen to be privy to thanks to my employer. There's 2.9 million people in the City alone (no 'burbs) as of Census 2000, so they're looking at a potential exposure of $104,400,000 a year if everyone took advantage of this. That'd do some damage to the city budget. Better hope word doesn't get out, or my property taxes will go through the roof. Or they could raise the price of the plastic bags they will start selling after they read this. Or sell book straps. I vote book straps.

Anyway, back to me in line...I was worried that I didn't know the process of checking out and remembered there being date stamping involved, but I wasn't sure what I was stamping the date on and where--I was watching other people and they weren't doing anything, but I thought maybe there was a separate stamping station of some sort that I missed and those circulation desk people looked mean (it turns out the circulation desk people do the stamping for you, although I could SWEAR I remember having to stamp things on my own at the Grace A Dow Library back in my hometown of Midland). I almost felt like the concept of a library is a relic from when we were kids and that they can't possibly exist anymore by allowing people to just give them their name and address and walk out with their stuff. It was so easy I thought I was missing something, even as I walked out of the library. Sorta like when I took a drink from a fountain on the lakefront and realized that I was drinking FREE WATER. You know, that stuff people pay $1.00 a bottle for. Sorta like that, but with books.

So, of course, knowing nothin' is free, I got wondering who pays for all this--in other words, I'm probably paying for it and have been for 7 years, but is some of it private donations? If I'm paying for it in taxes, are they getting some sort of discount on these damn books, 'cause they best not be paying full price! Are books donated by publishers? Who chooses what books to put there? They don't have everything, but it sure seemed like it...even a fair amount of copies of new releases...do they go by the best seller list? Critical acclaim? Evil Oprah's stupid book club? Who gets to choose and why? What about science books, and internet books? Do they have an expert on each subject that decides what to acquire? Aren't those people going to be biased?
If it pays any sort of decent scratch, I want that job. Sounds like a potentially powerful position to hold.

This whole library system seems like an expensive proposition, too...that building is huge, and there's a ton of branches, and you can return books to any branch, which means they're probably transporting books around all the time...that has GOT to be expensive. Everybody's always up in arms about downloading music and how that hurts the artist...do authors hate that people get to read their books for free and not have to buy them? I mean, the library buys one copy and 100 people read it, shouldn't they get royalties? And are my tax dollars in any way going towards buying any copies of Chicken Soup for the Soul (and the bazillion subsequent Chicken Soup books)? Please say no...

Also, I was all confused when dealing with the Dewey Decimal System while looking for my Uncle Bill's "Story of Magnesium" book (a book he wrote in 1949 that's not exactly pleasure reading being that it's subject matter is magnesium, but I'm fairly sure it remains the only book published by someone I actually know). I know they gave us a crash course in grade school on the Dewey system, but really, honestly, can we dispense with it already? It's needlessly complex and I reject it as a form of organization when there's the alternate option of the simple ALPHABET, a system that it is likely most if not all who step foot in a library have a solid understanding of. The answer was yes, by the way, they did have 1 copy of my Uncle Bill's book. Wouldn't have taken me so long to find it if they had just filed it under "U" for Uncle Bill, but it was there under 669.723G914

The whole place just made me feel generally lost, like I was going to get stopped by security when I left the floor where I got the fiction books to go down to the circulation counter. I swear, every step of the way I'm looking around at other people who all looked like they knew what they were doing, not batting an eye, walking with clear intentions and confidence, and I'm not even sure where to check these things out! Can it be possible that at a 8 floor library, everyone checks things out at one damn circulation desk? I'm here to tell you it is possible, in fact, and true.

I don't know what it was, but I was definitely out of the swing of things when it came to the library. Honestly, you big time readers, when's the last time you went to the library and checked out a book for pleasure reading (not for school research or something)? It felt strange...nice but strange.

Oh, and I'm already annoyed that I have to remember to bring these free books back. And the bindings are all stiff from that plasticy binder-saver stuff, making it hard to keep them open with one hand and slightly uncomfortable when reading. Stupid gift horse and his stupid mouth!

Lakefront Path

2005-04-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

Couldn't beat the weather this past weekend...got out on my bike a couple of times for the first time this year (even got the crappy thing tuned up last week in preparation). Legs=wobbly upon completion of said riding. Why do I always think I can go further, only to realize that, yes, indeed, I do have a RETURN trip to factor in? And why does the wind always seem to be in your face on the return trip, whichever way you go on the lakefront? Oh, and the Lakefront Path Rookies were out in full force...one woman with a stroller literally stopped in the middle of the bike path to fuss with the baby's blanket or something, leaning down, her back to the side of the path that I was coming from. "ON YOUR LEFT!" doesn't even BEGIN to cut it in those circumstances. I had to come to a complete stop as there was a steady stream coming from the other direction...the lady finally turns around and goes, "oh! sorry! I didn't realize this was the bike path!" That's one where you just shake your head and move along lest the baby's first words end up being of the 4 letter variety, thanks to me.

Anxiety Turns Cash Cow--The Closing of the Georgetown Loop Railroad

2004-11-11T15:15:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite touristy things to do in Colorado was the Georgetown Loop Railroad, an old steam train that took you to a very cool mine tour. That's a horribly short way of describing it, but below are excerpts from an e-mail conversation with my sister when I found out that they shut down the steam train and mistakenly thought she supported it being shut down:

How does one get to the mine tour now? Huh? Riddle me that, steam train destroyer supporter! A locomotive in Boulder is nice and all, last I checked, it ain't getting' me to any cool-ass mine anytime soon. I know what I'll do...I'll dig a hole in the side of that landfill or whatever that's next to your place, and I'll make me my own damn mine, admission free for me, $5 to people that can prove that they supported keeping the steam train, and $10 for everyone else. The $5 spread between supporters and non-supporters go to the children of Georgetown to keep them fed, and the rest, of course, gets split between you and I. We'll need signage...I know you can handle that part, you're an f-ing expert at it...and we'll probably have to do some work such as paving your driveway and putting in additional parking. Some of the profits will also be used to put in that bocce court that Rick (bloggers note: Rick=my sister's significant other) and I need. We can charge by the hour for that, too, though so it will pay for itself. Hell, you can sell veggies and shit out there if you want, too. No commute, easy pickins from sucker tourists, livin' the high life. The city of boulder probably will want their piece, since it's their land, but if we grease the right palms, we're off and runnin'.

I'm sure you'll be telling me that they're going to keep doing the mine tour in Georgetown, and that instead of the steam train to get there you'll take one of those self-propelled segue things that are all the rage, or something equally as NOT cool as the steam train. I'll accept magic carpets, pterodactlyl's, or chariots as a substitute mode of transportation to the mine, but NOTHING else. First you Coloradans (or whatever the hell it is) vote Bush, then this. I'm probably going to have to show proof of a donation to a church within the last month in order to step off the plane in Denver.

NOTE: at some point I found out that there is a new pond being built by the city near my sister's place, as well as a new ice rink:

Hell, yeah, a pond! You know what that means...unlimited supply of frogs. Get ourselves one of those portable deep fryers for tailgate use, and we can serve fresh deep fried frog legs at your tourist trap stand. Tasty. I smell franchise with that little offshoot.

In addition, skating will be permitted at the rink, but only for an hour in the morning. The rest of the time, the rink will be reserved for our new Olympic Curling development program. The mere mention of the Olympic Curling development program should have already led you to the next money making scheme, given your background, but just in case you need a hint: US Olympic Committee is run like a sieve and is ripe for the plucking when it comes to a sizeable grant that will be obnoxiously inflated and line our pockets quite nicely. A little extra walking around money never hurts, especially when it's courtesy of a bloated and corrupt organization like the USOC. There'll be a nice fee for your grant writing company involved, of course, but we'll pass it on to the City of Boulder who will likely be ecstatic at the prospect of the cache that comes out of being involved in the Olympic Spirit and will gladly support our efforts. Who knows, we may even turn a curler or two out that will make us proud come the next Olympiad...but rest assured, there will be plenty of time to charge people by the hour for use of our curling rink. It'll be nice to have that income when there's too much snow for bocce. Don't think we're not going to charge $5 a cup for hot chocolate over there, either...extra for marshmallows. Don't even get me started on the amount of money that we'll make from selling curling brooms...I mean, you break a broom in mid-match, are you going to sit the rest of it out, or are you going to buy it from the conveniently located but drastically marked-up pro shop that is on the premises? Curling broom money will go to a special account that we'll use to buy our place on Grand Traverse Bay.

Finally, we're going to have to work on getting more water flowing through your ditch to run our whitewater rafting expeditions...we may have to limit ourselves to canoes for a year or two until we get enough rocks to make that thing dangerous enough with rapids to really be able to stick it to the adventurer crowd, but even the canoes should make it a break even proposition at worst.

Good thing I'll be out there soon. I've got to get this mine dug so that we can start backing in the Brinks trucks ASAP.